


Oh, That's a Thing

by CharlieLovesU



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phan, dan and phil
Genre: 2016!phan, Crushes, Dan in denial, Fluff, Fluff with no smut, Frustration, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, chapter 10+ is early 2017!phan, it's how i roll, starts in december 2016 tho, until he isn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-06 11:14:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 33,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8748316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharlieLovesU/pseuds/CharlieLovesU
Summary: Dan loves to mess with the phandom by being ~domestic~ with Phil, even hilarious that they think they're anything more than friends. Hell, him and Phil can list the small things that were completely platonic that the fandom still freaked out over.In fact, they do just that. But what happens when he starts to develop a crush on Phil again?





	1. Does It Take A List Of Things For You To Figure It Out? (yes. yes it does)

**Author's Note:**

> first fanfic I've ever written but probably not the last, as I haven't even fully finished yet. aren't i cool??? ignore these useless notes and read the shitty fluff

 

  
Dan scrolled down his tumblr, chuckling to himself.

Now, look, he wasn't going to admit that he loved to fuck with the fans but.... he totally loved it.

Him and Phil were just best friends. Always had been that way. But watching the fandom freak out about them made him feel a little powerful. He hears what you're saying. He's an asshole. He knows.

Don't judge him.

Sure, 2012 Dan was really awkward about the whole phan thing.

What else could he have been? He had just started to get used to the whole feeling of getting shipped with your best friend by over hundreds of thousands of people, which, mind you, was really weird when it first started spreading. Especially after that unmentionable prank video had been un-privated by accident. 

He was an awkward mess back then, is what he's trying to say. And hell, he still is. But by now, he was used to the phan thing, and he loved playing around with it. Didn't bother him at all.

At this point, it was noticeable by things he did, like letting the baking video exist, or calling Phil "Daddy" on stage during tatinof dublin, or wearing a trash bag that said "Phil Trash 1#" on it, or just being totally normal and comfortable while still having some fun with it during pinof 8. Like when they reenacted Yuri on ice, something the fandom wanted so badly.

Just talking to Phil's mum on camera made half the fandom freak out over domesticity, which, in fact, made it funnier when he shamed Phil's bad habits by calling them 'annoyingly domestic' in the video right after. Perfect timing.

It made the fans freak out so much, and Dan just found it hilarious.

Sure, some of it was mildly embarrassing, too, but it was worth the reactions. He burned his dignity years ago, it's fine.

"You're very mean, messing with them like that." Phil had said once when he'd seen a recorded version of Dan calling him 'Daddy', with Dan only laughing in response. (Of course their fandom managed to do that even when they said to shut off their phones. Dan wasn't even disappointed, he was impressed.)

Sure, the phandom was right about Dan having had a crush on Phil in 2009, but that had gone away as far as Dan was concerned.

And, yeah, sure, there were times I which Dan thought about dating Phil and maybe kissing him...sometimes... but that's just normal when you're bi and single for as long as he was!

 

 _Right_?

 

Right.

 

He scrolled down laughed again.

"What is it?" Phil said from next to him, mocking concern.

Dan turned his laptop to face Phil, showing him. "Another meme has been made of me grabbing your wrist in that one photo."

Phil chuckled, "Do you think it's better that I didn't hear her say to hold hands?"

"Probably." Dan said, turning his screen to face him again, "They can barley handle a wrist grab. Imagine the internet's reaction if we actually held hands! They'd explode."

"Is wrist holding a romantic gesture now?" Phil asked, half joking, half genuinely curious.

 

"Apparently, yes." Dan kept scrolling through their tag, "I even read some analysis somewhere that it's apparently more intimate. Some kind of 'not wanting you to leave me so I grab your wrist more securely' or some bullshit like that, I don't really know. Pinof distracted them from the wrist grab thing for a while, but they still love it, those fucking nerds."

Phil sort of half-chuckled again before they fell into their comfortable silence.

The more posts Dan saw, the more he kind of thought about it.

Did Phil and him act that romantic? How would they know? I mean, a ton of the stuff that was taken in a 'omg my ship feels' what-fucking-ever was just casual stuff for them.

"What do you think the internet would do if they know half of what we're like at home?" Dan asked, breaking the silence. Well, breaking the silence after the car honks from outside did a few times. Who was even up past midnight to be so loud outside? Fucking drivers, that's who. 

"What do you mean?" Phil tilted his head to look at him, furrowing his eyebrows.

"The phandom freaks out over the smallest things. I mean, if a wrist grab can give them heart attacks, what would they do if they saw this?" Dan gestured at themselves.

Phil looked down, as if just realizing their position. They were cuddled up on their sofa crease, leaning back on their laptops with their shoulders touching, and Dan's left leg intertwined with Phil's right one. A usual position for them, but still technically cuddling, that the fandom never saw.

"Oh." Phil said, looking back up at him, shrugging.

What a spork, Dan thought.

Adorable nerd.

Wait, _what_.

Phil chuckled again. "Well this wouldn't be the only thing would it?" He gestured vaguely at themselves, "What about how we always shared the bed in the tatinof tour bus?"

"Or when we share our normal beds together on some nights." Dan said in return. He liked those nights. A lot more comfortable to lay down with your best friend than to be alone.

Phil was always really warm and soft when he was asleep. And even staying up together in his bed or Phil's was nice, too. Plus, his roommate wasn't a bad sight to wake up to. Quite the opposite. With his great face and cute, messy hair. How he'd stirr awake and put on his glasses, looking down right fucking _adorable_.

Um. What was he saying again? 

"Or hugging on most days." Phil said back, "We don't hug much in front of them, do we?"

Phil's hugs were warm, too. The way he hugged around you, his arms holding you tightly. And he smelled nice, usually.

Plus the times when Phil refused to let go when he noticed Dan was in a bad mood were the nicest things anyone could do for him sometimes, even if Dan doesn't sometimes realize it while it's happening. Phil always made him happier.

"How about when I kiss you on the cheek sometimes?" Dan laughed, poking Phil's cheek as he said so. "That's gotta be some fanfic material right there!"

"Is calling you 'bear' fanfiction material?" Phil laughed, poking his tongue out a little bit, "I think it is. You're to one who reads fanfics, you'd know."

Fuck, he was adorable.

And yes. He did read fanfiction. He appreciated creative writing, don't shame him in his own home, damn it.

"I wasn't aware this was a 'how much gay shit do we do and who can name the gayest' challenge, Phil Lester." Dan said.

"It is now." Phil punched him softly on the shoulder.

"Another original challenge by Philip Micheal Lester!" Dan exclaimed, "Who do you think is gonna steal your credit now?"

Phil snorted. "It's your turn, Dan! List something, or you lose."

"How about when I call you daddy as a joke all the time?" Dan said. "That's kinky as fuck."

"That ones good. How about... I... Um...Nose boop!" Phil yelled, doing so as well as just listing it.

The speed in which he did it in meant Phil's lips were about half an inch from his, before Phil pulled away.

If Phil had noticed they nearly just kissed because he wanted to boop his nose, he didn't mention it.

Dan didn't know how he felt about that.

Other than he was blushing.

Which was stupid.

"How about, hand holding for warmth?" Dan said back, grabbing Phil's right hand. No dominant hands now, so much for scrolling on Tumblr.

"Arm linking?" Phil laughed, releasing Dan's hand so that he could linking his right arm with Dan's left instead, which pulled them a little bit closer. Not by much though, their shoulders had already been touching before, and their intertwined legs didn't budge.

Dan blushed a little more. Which was even more stupid. They got this close sometimes. It was normal. What's wrong with him. Chill.

"How about when I fix your hair?" Dan said, running his free hand through Phil's hair, but keeping their arms linked together.

"What about when I take care of you when you're sick?" Phil said, slowly un-linking their arms so he could raise himself up higher so he wasn't leaning on the sofa crease anymore, just sitting on it like a person who knows what's good for their back would. "That's a cheesy fanfiction trope!"

Damn that one was good, what was gonna say in return to that?

"How about being your trash since 2009!" Dan said back, "That's the biggest of them all!"

"But you're open about that, so you loose!" Phil laughed, pushing a little at Dan's chest.

"No! That's not the rules, it was just the gayest stuff we do, not if we admit it!" Dan laughed, resting lower on the sofa crease.

"It is now!" Phil said, pushing Dan's shoulder, giving him that 'please c'mon Dan' face that he absolutely hated.

"Ugh, fine." Dan said. He couldn't resist /the face/.

Phil smiled proudly.

"I see why they ship us." Dan said, ignoring the blush on his face.

"Most of it is your fault." Phil said, "Mr. Phil Trash 1#, who flirted with me all the time in DailyBooth and now screenshots are still everywhere."

"Hey, I had a crush on you back then, could you blame me." Dan chuckled a little before he went dead silent. Shit. Should he have said that?

Phil raised his eyebrows before grinning, "Tell me something I don't know."

Dan actually laughed this time. Both out of relief and out of the fact that Phil was, too. And only a monster didn't laugh when Phil did, it was just a fact.

I mean, who could see his adorable laugh with that damn eye-crinkling and tongue-poking-out-thing and just Phil being precious in general without wanting to laugh with him? Just impossible.

"We act more like a couple than some actual couples do." Phil said, leaning into the sofa crease again and turning back to his laptop, scrolling down, with their legs still intertwined and shoulders still touching.

Which Dan shouldn't have been thinking about so much, since they touched and stayed cuddled and whatnot together all the time, but he was anyway. He didn't know why, and didn't want to know why.

"Yeah, we do." Dan said, not really thinking.

His mind was going haywire.

He was already kind of going into those deep, dark imaginative places from all the Phan posts.  
But them listing all their romantic-platonic things they did together, it was...

He didn't even know.

He wasn't overthinking them. No. No he wasn't, shut the fuck up.

He kept scrolling through his tumblr tag, not processing anything. Just colours and some thoughts of Phil mixing perfectly with the gifs on his screen.

Okay, maybe he was overthinking. But only a little.

"Don't you dare, Dan." He thought to himself, "This isn't 2009 anymore. You don't have a crush on him. You won't again."

He did not have a crush on Phil Lester.

Playing around with phan shippers by doing mildly embarrassing things in public was entirely because he found it funny and all the actual half-romantic but meant to be platonic things they did at home were not getting to him at all.

He will repeat and emphasise again and again. He does not, in any way shape or form have a crush on Philip. Motherfucking. Micheal. Lester. It has been years. He survived this long.

He looked down for quite possibly the fifth time in ten minutes at their intertwined legs, their touching shoulders, then back up at Phil, who's black hair was a total mess, sticking out in the cutest way.  
His glasses a little crooked on his face, almost provoking Dan to just reach out and fix them himself.  
And then his soft blue eyes, focused on his screen where he would occasionally laugh or smile at a picture of a cat or a dog or something really stupid and he'd do the stupid tongue thing when he did his stupid fucking laugh.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck, not again.

He rested his head on the back of the sofa, groaning to himself.

"You okay, Dan?" Phil asked.

No. "Yeah, just a sudden headache. Probably been on tumblr too long." He said instead.

"It's 2AM and we're both going through our tag, something we swear we don't do to keep our sanity intact." Phil said, "Of course we've been on tumblr too long."

"Fair enough. I'm going to bed, then." Dan said, hesitantly raising his leg off of Phil's before pushing himself up and off the sofa crease.

"My room?" Phil said, not looking up from his laptop.

"Nah, wanna sleep alone this time." He definitely should sleep alone this time. "Just in that mood."

"Alright, goodnight, Dan." Phil raised his head and smiled at him.

Fuck with that fucking smile. That adorable smile that he only did at Dan.

"G'night." He went as fast as he could without it being suspicious and plopped down on his bed.

Now, look, he wasn't going to admit that his 2009 feeling were coming back again, but...

He had a crush on Phil Lester.

Again.

 _Oh, he was so screwed_.

 

 

 


	2. Do You Really Think That Crush Is Dying Down Again? (spoiler alert, it's not)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this crush isn't going away dan and you know it.
> 
> In which Dan wakes up the next morning only to realize that he cannot deal with morning adorableness for very long now that this crush is gonna follow him everywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally got home three hours ago (in my time zone idk where u live) but didn't have much to study for today so I managed to write a short lil chapter and it's literally the next day after the first one I'm impressed with myself but don't expect a lot more bc I'm busy as shit and a lazy asshole.
> 
> Fluffy blabbering. Dan falling further down the rabbit hole and it's barely the afternoon, wow.

 

He had all night to go through all the stages until he reached acceptance. It's done. He knows. _Fine,_ whatever. It's true.

He had a crush on Phil.

No biggie. No big deal at all.

He dealt with that before. He survived.

He hugged Phil for like three minutes straight when they first met, he got tackled by Phil on their first video together, he spent a week at Phil's around that time, and went to sky bar in what was pretty much a date (even if it was platonic). And then was asked to move in together. And all these other things that were insane for someone with a crush on Phil. He lived for so long with this unrequited crush.

And he survived.

He was a goddamn fangirl meeting her idol, it's true. But his crush calmed down. And he was still a fucking fetus figuring out life back then.  
   
He could do it again.

Or, so he hopes.

Now, look. The thing about his old crush on Phil is, Dan has already _had_ the whole 'slow build up from crush to more and more' bullshit that everyone seems to love in their shitty  ~~~~(and some good ones but he wasn't going to admit it) fanfictions.

From first finding Phil online, to getting a crush on him and becoming a fan, to the first time Phil payed attention to him, to the day they met in real life, to all the days together in Manchester, he had plenty of time to fall on his face, that's how head-over-heels he had been. From 2009 all the way until sometime in 2011 when it finally calmed down. Sort of.

And, yes, because you fuckers love it, he did get flustered by the V-Day video, even though he knew that it was fake. Leave him alone. He can enjoy nice things. Fuck off.

The Phil Trash™ 1# label was absolutely true, he has managed to be in love with Phil before anyone else of Phil's fans had the chance. Ha, made everyone jealous.

Well... To be fair, jealous described him more than anyone else, looking at the fact that Phil was always oblivious as he talked about girls he liked and dated right in front of him.

Which was _fine_ , of course. Phil could date other people. It wasn't his business. He can't stop him. He didn't even ask him out, how could Phil have known?

Still, his jealously did get the best of him though. He made a whole video about how bad he is with jealousy.

He knew Phil was bisexual now, but his crush had already calmed down by the time he had told him, so Dan still hadn't seen a chance to ask him out, and now it's just way too risky to take that chance.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair and letting it slide down to cover his eyes.

The feelings coming back now meant that he was already almost crossing that mental line from crush to...

Well.

The _thing_.

Of course, he wasn't gonna let it come to that so fast. What was this? Some shitty movie where people fall in love in three seconds? Absolutely not.

Sure he technically had years to figure it out, but that's besides the point. The point is the fact he realized within ten minutes that he was i... he had a crush on his best friend again, and that was not good.

For the shippers, sure. But it was no good for him or his sanity.

It was a pain in the arse the first time 'round, so he's gonna be absolutely goddamn determined to make sure it doesn't go as far as it had before, again.

He got up off of his bed, stretching his arms out and groaning when his back made that cracking noise.

Was Phil already awake?

He sniffed. Yes. Yes, he was. Or else he wouldn't be smelling food.

Thank god, he was starving.

He got up, putting on a shirt and grabbing his phone to put in the pocket of his pyjamas, before opening his door, stepping through and squinting as he got used to all the light.

He walked into the kitchen. Phil's back was to him, and he was, as Dan had already guessed, making them some pancakes.

Dan took advantage of Phil not having heard him and jumped behind him, yelling "BOO!"

"Ah, shiiii- Dan!" Phil laughed as he flipped the last pancake onto a plate, turning off the stove and put the pan in the sink,then pushing Dan's chest jokingly, "Be careful jump-scaring me! If I hadn't already been done you could have ruined the food."

Goddamnit. There it was again. That little tongue-laugh-thing that he always did that Dan found absolutely adorable but wouldn't have minded normally if it weren't for the fact that he was totally a nerd with a crush on him again.

This was unfair.

"I see you have your glasses on." Dan said, this time not only being provoked by the fact they had fallen down, but actually taking action and pushing them forwards.

Phil scrunched his face as Dan did so in the most adorable way.

"Yep." Phil said, adjusting his glasses anyway, "Just woke up, thought you might like some pancakes."

"Aww, you're making every shipper's morning fanfics come true!" Dan teased.

He may have a crush on Phil that made that way more true than it should be, but that wasn't gonna stop him from joking about it. Even if he was mildly mentally screaming.

But hey, when wasn't he mentally screaming?

"I'd kiss you if this was a fan fiction." Phil pointed out casually, leaning back on the counter. Dan blushed, chuckling awkwardly. They made jokes like that, chill, Dan.

"But instead I'm doing this!" Phil said suddenly, not leaving a second for Dan to question what he meant before put his hand on Dan's shoulder and booped his nose on Dan's, touching their foreheads together, Phil's glasses crashing a little bit on Dan's face, but he couldn't care less.

Phil was laughing as he moved away, giving Dan a full view of his absolutely adorable laughter from only two inches away.

Their lips didn't get as close this time, but still. It was fucking close. What the fuck.

Dan didn't know what he had done wrong for god to want to punish him, but couldn't that god have chosen death or something?

This was just excessive and cruel.

"You're a spork." He said, turning away, blushing, trying and make it less obvious that he was a fucking cliché.

"Have you finished editing the gaming video for tonight?" Phil asked, putting their plates down and turning the tv on. Dan sat down with him.

"Yeah, I think so." He'd totally forgotten to re-check if he'd done anything wrong like he usually did because of that whole 'oh shit I have a crush on my best friend again' realization that he had that night. He'll have to remember to do that after breakfast. Probably not a lot left to do, and if there was, he didn't care. Even a perfectionist gives up on some things.

They fell back into their usual comfortable silence, just eating and watching another episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. They didn't know what else to watch so they just replayed the first episode. Ah, mild nostalgia.

They were cuddled up close together again. This is not the time to be thinking about this. Quick, think of something else.

"Hey, Phil?" Dan said suddenly.

"Yeah?" He said, not looking away from the show.

"Did you just make us pancakes because you ate all of my cereal?"

 "No." Phil said, a little too fast.

"Phil." Dan said pointedly, raising an eyebrow at him.

"No. I make you breakfast. That's usual." Phil said, "That's a fanfiction trope we do often, right?"

Jesus Christ, that topic is exactly what he's trying to avoid.

Like, he knew Phil didn't know he had a crush on him and all, but still, that's just a dick move to remind him.

"So..." Dan said, standing from his seat, "If I look in this cupboard right here, my cereal will be there?" He started walking, getting closer and closer until he stoped when he had his hand on the handle of the cupboard door.

"Don't open that!" Phil said, jumping up and holding it closed.

Dan was hyper aware of how close they were. Phil had ran so close to stop him that he was pressed up against him, facing him, one of Phil's legs in-between his, with Phil's face about two inches from his, and Phil's hand around his knuckles, holding Dan's hand down strongly against the cupboard door.

Holy fuck. Holy _**fuck**_.

He had developed a crush on the _worst fucking time ever,_ oh my god.  
   
"Y- _yeah_ , okay, fine." Dan stuttered, trying not to sound croaky as he pulled off of Phil's grip and sat back down on his seat, suddenly a lot more uncomfortable in every way.

Phil looked confused. Dan didn't usually give up that easily. Phil sat down next to him anyway, not saying a word about it.

Dan only now realized that was probably more suspicious than his shitty blushing, but he didn't care.

This wasn't one of those fan fictions where he'd stay like that and Phil would make out with him to distract him from his lack of cereal. This was real life, and Phil didn't even realize a single thing he did was bordering on romantic.

Hell, it shouldn't be. They'd joked about it just last night!

This was absolutely ridiculous.

How had he gone from laughing at fans for finding so many platonic things romantic, to doing so himself? This was stupid and unfair and cruel and... Okay, he needs to stop thinking of negative adjectives to describe this as. He wasn't a nine year old.

Back to a one-sided comfortable silence.

By one-sided, he meant that Phil looked oblivious and fine, while Dan's internal screaming just got louder and more frustrated.

Even as they ate breakfast, their legs were intertwined. They always seemed to be. He was going to smash his head against the wall and not give a shit if Phil was concerned, he swears to god. He will be the new Glenn and it will entirely be Phil's fault for being fucking adorable.

"We're doing the fanfiction slash 'what fans would freak out about' thing again." Phil said, chuckling.

"Are we really?" Dan said sarcastically. _Woah there_ , not the time for sarcasm. He doesn't know how you feel, don't make it obvious, you fucking twat.

"PJ's, pancakes, and touching." Phil smiled, "We are fanfiction!"

Yes, thanks for pointing those out, Phil. Dan definitely hadn't noticed. Not... not at all.

"You're a sap." Dan said instead.

"Whatever, Mister Hobbit Hair." Phil grinned, turning back to the tv.

"Oi." Dan said, poking Phil on the side, "I'll punch you in the face, Mister Blind As A Fucking Bat."

"Bats aren't actually blind." Phil stated, rubbing at the place he'd poked him.

"Of course you'd know that." Dan said, trying and failing to keep the fondness out of his voice.

This... feeling... was haunting him, and it had only been one day.

He looked at the time on his phone. 11AM. Okay. So it hadn't been a day. It had /actually/ been just a few hours since his realisation moments.  
That... wasn't comforting. Not even a little. In fact, it made it much, much worse.

He got up, stretching out a little before starting to walk towards his room.

"Leaving already?" Phil said, but he didn't sound surprised.

"Yeah. Just... Gonna play some piano or something." Dan said, opening the door and closing it behind him.

Well, he might as well play it now.

He sat down on his chair and started playing. Piano took skill and focus, but his focus was somewhere completely else.

Take a guess where. Really fucking hard puzzle, right?

It probably explained why his piano playing sounded worse than normal. (Why did the phandom say they liked his playing so much? Dan didn't see it.)

It was just a mess of G's and F#'s and B's and E's when all he could think about where the letters P, H, I and L. (None of which are on the piano, by the way. The more you learn.)

You know how he promised he'd bang his head against a wall because of Phil? Well, it wasn't a wall. It was against his piano keys. Which, in hindsight, was a stupid fucking idea, as they're a hard surface that hurt his forehead, plus the added bonus they make noise.  
Phil wouldn't be concerned though. Not the first time he makes a loud noise by banging the piano. The pain of learning, kids. You hit the keys a lot. Patience is not in your virtues. Especially when you can't read sheet music, like Dan.

He was really debating just staying in his room and avoiding Phil until this crush shit went away, but no. They had shit to do. Places to go. Videos to film.

He sighed and let his head fall down on his keys again, jumping backwards and falling off his chair when it made noise again.

"I... are you fucking kidding me." Dan almost yelled at himself, lying down on the floor and staring at the wall. Did he just get _surprised_  when his fucking piano made noise when he rested his head on the keys that's _only_ function is to _make noise._

He was a mess. A total fucking mess.

One day, Dan. You've survived _half_ of one day.

He can practically hear someone saying, 'Oh it's not that bad! Just calm down! Don't be so dramatic, it'll go away by itself!' You know what he says to that? Fuck off. 

This? This is not going away. This is not going away any time soon and he is so dead. He is dead on every level of possible deadliness.

He was regretting making those domesticity jokes already.

He he doesn't care what it takes to get his out of this hell. Death is welcome.

This... is not gonna be fun. 


	3. How Do Things Keep Getting Harder? (woah, not like that, you creeps)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Dan. Poor Dan.
> 
> Lil more morning shit + movie + gaming mentions and Dan being frustrated in every way. 
> 
> help him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have like three tests everyday for the next two weeks I'm going to actually die. 
> 
> best solution: writing fan fics???
> 
> yeah, I didn't think that through. 
> 
> here's your goddamn fluff, nerds.

 

Look.

 

Listen.

 

He may have been slightly avoiding Phil.

Now, it's not that dramatic. He was just... Not leaving his room as often. And definitely not sleeping in Phil's bed.

None of that was strange. Not to oblivious Phil. Dan did that sometimes. It didn't have to mean he was in a bad mood or doing it some way on purpose, even though he kind of was. But Phil didn't know that. Phil didn't have to know.

He just found that he embarrassed himself less when he could boil about his crush on Phil by himself and via the internet. Can you blame him?

Of course you can't. We've almost all been through crushes. It's just a little more awkward when that crush lives with you and has been your best friend for over 7 years. Oh, and when you're shipped by millions of people.

He didn't know what time it was. He had woken up and just stayed there, thinking about all of it.

He sighed, grabbing his phone from his bedside table. 1PM already?! Why didn't Phil even try to get him out of there?

Dan sat up on his bed, the cold December air sending a chill down his spine. It was getting too cold to sleep shirtless, what a shame.

He heard something being dropped from another room.

"Philly? You okay?" He called out.

"I'm fine!" Phil's muffled voice yelled back.

Dan didn't bother to find where his shirt was, wrapping the blanket over shoulders and walking out of his room. Phil was on the kitchen floor, picking up some pieces of glass he had shattered.

Phil looked up, covering his face with his hands in shame when he noticed Dan looking.  
"I'm sorry." Phil said, looking back down quickly, picking up the pieces and muttering something about grocery bags and glasses too close to the edge of the counter.

Dan squatted down and helped pick up some of the last ones, pushing his blanket to the side so it wouldn't sweep the shards around.

Phil looked up, opening his mouth to say something before closing it again to gaze down at Dan's lack of shirt for a moment, before slowly looking back up and doing an obvious 'what are you doing?' face.

"I just got out of bed. I forgot to change when I woke up a few hours ago."

"Oh, okay." Phil said, turning back to the task at hand. (Phil had actually stuttered, not said, 'Oh, okay.' but Dan didn't tell the difference.)  
He picked up the last piece left and trashed it, standing up and turning away.

"And you were right, I did eat all your cereal." He said, pulling out a box of cereal from a bag and giving it to Dan.

"I knew it." Dan said, grabbing two bowls and spoons and putting them down, "Wanna eat?"

"At 1PM?" Phil said, "You may have woken up late, Dan, but I didn't." Phil rested his chin on Dan's shoulder, grabbing his bowl and putting it back.

Okay, wow. Unnecessary touching is unnecessary. Dan coughed awkwardly, filling his own bowl with cereal, trying not to focus on Phil's hand on his waist. You're being so dramatic, Dan. Calm down.

"You in a good mood, Touchy Mc Feely?" Dan said.

"Sorry, too early for cuddling?" Phil said, stepping off a little. Dan would be lying if he said he didn't feel a little bad, but he didn't want to ask for Phil to cuddle with him again either.

"Nah, I just... Gotta find somewhere to sit and eat." Dan knows he's being awkward. Stop pointing it out, he knows.

"Yeah. Yeah." Was Phil blushing? No, it was just cold. Dan was blushing from the cold, too. Although, to be fair, Dan was the one who still didn't have a shirt on. (which was 100% his fault for being lazy, but still.)

Dan put his bowl down, eating quietly as they both did their own thing. He was almost finished when Phil sat next to him.

"So, uh, Dan." Phil said.

"Phil."

"I was thinking, since the new video for tonight is almost fully edited, maybe we could go to the cinema for a movie date?" Phil asked.

 _Date?_ Oh, right, he must mean...

"Like, a friend date to the movies?" Dan said and internally cringed at himself.

"Oh, um... yeah." Phil said awkwardly.

Great, Dan. You made him uncomfortable by thinking that it could possibly be a non-friend date. Phil probably hadn't even let the romantic date thought cross his mind and you had to make it that way, oh my god. Fucking delete yourself off the face of this earth, holy fuck.

He should have never left his room.

"Sure, why not." Dan said, adding a shrug to it so he would seem more casual than he felt, "Which movie did you have in mind?"

"Well, the last time they're going to play the Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them movie in our cinema is tonight so maybe we can watch that while was have to chance?"

No complaints from him.

~

The movie 'date' had done pretty smoothly. It was just a friend thing after all. No need to make a big deal about it.

They had sat at the back, but not too far.

Sure, the phrase 'make out corner' had crossed his mind once but he let go of the thought almost immediately. Phil just liked the privacy of the back.  
And who the fuck said make out corner in 2016 anyway? They weren't goddamn teenagers. What the fuck was Dan even thinking?

It was the phandoms fault in every way.

He wondered if watching the movie at home would have been better, but hey, they probably needed to get out every so often for something other than tatinof.  
Even if it made Dan's stupid fucking crush feelings go insane from overthinking and over-observation, which was supposed to be the phandom's thing, and yet.

Phil holding his hand while they were watching the movie (because he could and no one could see them or stop him) hadn't really helped either.  
Especially when Phil would squeeze his hand when he got surprised from a spell causing loud explosion. (Fbawtft is a great movie, btw. Phil was just also a great distraction.)

He was sat in front of his screen, editing the last of the new video. Okay, cool. Good end. He slapped on a thumbnail Phil had made and wrote in a clever-and-shitty-at-the-same-time title, his speciality, and let YouTube process the rest.

There was a knock on his door.

"Yeah?"

Phil opened the food and stepped closer, hugging Dan from behind. "I see you're finished."

"Yup." Dan said. Okay, random hug. They did that a lot. He was chill. "They'll love it. I had fun." He tried to ignore the fact Phil wasn't letting go. It didn't help.

"What if we played a board game?" Phil suggested.

"Would that end well?" Dan said, "I feel like we'd murder each other by the end of it."

"Twister?" Phil giggled.

"Wow, we really are living in a post baking video universe." Dan laughed, repressing any thought whatsoever of him and Phil in any possible non-innocent twister position. Absolutely not. "Plus, I think we did it enough with Pj and Chris."

"Alright." Phil said, "Let's not give in to their fanfiction dreams."

"You're already doing that via this hug, Philly." Dan said reaching behind to ruffle Phil's hair. Phil did the little face-scrunch thing again, ans honestly, Dan was so smitten. Someone help him.

"Revenge!" Phil laugh-yelled, untangling his arms from Dan's waist so he could mess with Dan's hair. Most likely making it a lot worse.

They ended up a giggling mess, Dan even standing from his chair so he could ruin Phil's hair more efficiently, all while hysterically laughing.

"Okay, Okay! That's enough! The hair has been through enough, it didn't do anything wrong!" Dan said, pushing Phil off of him.

It would have been an innocent, gentle push, if it weren't for Phil tripping on his own feet and grabbing the front of Dan's shirt for balance, only causing them both to fall over on top of each other.

"Oh my god, are you okay?" Phil said, still trying to recover from his laughing.

"Fine, fine. Oh, fuck, I'm totally crushing you." Dan said, but didn't move.

Phil had, for the most part, broken his fall, and now he had one of legs in-between Phil's, his arms at Phil's sides, and he had almost fallen face-first on the floor because of the fact he was taller than Phil.

Close one.

He pushed himself up on his elbows, still tangled with Phil on the floor.

"Did you break any bone?" Dan chuckled, grabbing Phil's glasses from right next to them and putting them on him, Phil noticeably squinting less.

"M'fine." Phil said.

Dan climbed off of him before he could even think for one more second about the position they had just been in. Highly inappropriate thoughts and, frankly, he was disgusted with himself.

Stop fucking blushing, Dan. Why do you make everything so obvious?

Although, Phil was red in the face, too, so maybe he'd just assume it's because they were both horribly unfit.

He reached his hand out, helping Phil stand again. "Sorry." Phil said, half-laughing and half sounding genuinely sorry.

"You hurt yourself more than me right there, don't be sorry." Dan said back.

"Yeah." Phil rubbed his arm, "Little bit."

Dan poked Phil's nose. He didn't have an explanation why. Don't question him.  
Phil smiled though, so, nice.

"I'm thinking of trying to go to bed early tonight." Phil said, walking away and opening the door.

"Does 11 PM count as early?"

"Earlier." Phil chuckled, "And I've slept early before!"

"What, when we got back from Sweden? Jet lag doesn't count, Philly." Dan said.

"Shhh." Phil said, leaving and closing the door behind him.

"Goodnight, then!" Dan yelled from the other side of the door, getting no reply. "Wow, rude."

Can he let his feelings out now that he was alone? Because, oh my god, what the fuck. It's like he had been sucked right into a fan fiction trope, and it was specifically designed to torture him.

Movie date? Check.

Twister? (Sort of) Check.

Falling on each other? Check.

 

Unrequited feelings? Frustratingly, check.

 

He's seriously so smitten. He's not even joking. _Someone help him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> should the next one be a Phil chapter? idk. I'll think about it. don't get your hopes up if you want it though. no promises.
> 
> Note from next day: oh my god the impossible quiz 4# vid just came out i can't believe I actually got Dan poking Phil correct without even seeing it wow I predicted the future guys


	4. How Do You Deal With Horribly Timed Questions? (you don't)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> less fluff, more pj suddenly having an interest in dnp's "relationship" and dan couldn't be more conflicted (especially since pj is incredibly encouraging)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually found some time between exams to write a little bit! still have more tho, so idk when the next chapter will be out. 
> 
> turns out the phil chapter idea was scrapped. probably won't do it at all. I kinda like the dan-pov constantly thing I got going here.
> 
> so here's more dan. 
> 
> sorry if you wanted dnp fluff in this chapter bc that's not what ur getting rn 
> 
> u r getting pj and dan interactions
> 
> (they do only really talk about phan tho)
> 
> it's what I felt like doing 
> 
> deal with it

 

  
It has been a few hours since Phil had gone to sleep earlier. Lucky him.

Dan couldn't sleep. Again.

No particular reason. Not even the crush thing. He just didn't feel like it, and his body wouldn't let him.  
Was that healthy? No.  
Did he care? Also no.

He scrolled down his tumblr feed, barely processing anything. At one point he saw a picture of tatinof and smiled.

Emotions had been really high on the last day of tatinof. Hell, he wasn't gonna lie, he cried a little during the very last The Internet Is Here.

Phil had been in too much of a state of shock to cry, but he was noticeably shaking afterwards.  
They had comforted each other with enough hugs and shitty sappy words to make the fandom explode.

At one point during his past midnight Tumblr scrolling, his eyes un-focused from the screen completely, and Dan didn't even bother to re-focus them. Just looked at his blurry vision, tired as fuck.

A sudden 'bing!' makes him flinch himself back to reality.

Who was texting him past midnight?

Oh, it was PJ. Yeah, that makes sense.

 

_1:04 AM  
PJ: hey, how are you, Dan?_

_1:04AM  
Dan: it's 1 AM and i'm still awake how do you think i am_

_1:04AM  
PJ: im good, too, thanks for asking._

_1:04AM  
Dan: is there some reason for this conversation_

_1:05AM  
PJ: im curious about something._

_1:05AM  
Dan: sure, what_

_1:05AM  
PJ: are you and Phil a thing?_

 

Of all the years, of all the days, of all the hours that PJ could have asked this question, it had to be now?

Keep it chill, Dan.

 

_1:06AM  
Dan: no, why?_

 

Good. That's chill.

 

_1:06AM  
PJ: just late and it came in my mind._

 

Okay... This was PJ, Dan shouldn't be surprised. Still, coincidental timing for PJ to be asking him this when Dan is in the middle of a crippling crush crisis. ("Crippling crush crisis"? Try saying that ten times fast.)

He didn't text back for a short while, but, sadly, and yet unsurprisingly, it wasn't over.

 

_1:11AM  
PJ: have you ever wanted to be a thing?_

 

_Woah there. Back the fuck up for a second._

 

_1:11AM_

_Dan: where is all of this coming from_

_1:11AM  
PJ: curiosity works mysterious ways, Dan_

 

Should he be honest about this?

 

_1:12AM  
Dan: I mean maybe a while back, but we're just friends, Peej, get your head out of the fandom_

 

That was technically honest, wasn't it? He'd had thought of wanting to be a thing back then (even though he failed to mention he did so now too) and they were just friends. No lies here.

 

_1:12AM  
PJ: alright, alright, have fun, Phil Trash 1#_

_1:12AM  
Dan: this is cyber bullying_

_1:13AM  
PJ: deal with it_

_1:13AM  
Dan: :P_

 

Could PJ actually help the situation if Dan told him? Or would he just do something to make everything way worse? Yeah, he didn't want to take that risk. Better to just not say anything to anyone ever.

He wanted to forget this crush, and PJ reminding him wouldn't help.

Still, PJ only gave him a few minutes of peace.

 

_1:24AM_

_PJ: but have you ever actually tried asking him out though_

 

Oh my god.

 

_1:24AM  
Dan: why are you even still awake_

_1:25AM  
PJ: you are too, now answer my questions_

_1:25AM  
Dan: I did once a few years back but he didn't get it so I never tried again and now I don't see a reason to try again we're best friends PJ why are you so shippy today_

_1:25AM  
PJ: interesting_

_1:25AM  
Dan: are you happy now_

_1:25AM  
PJ: very much so_

 

Okay, good. Some peace and...

 

_1:28AM  
PJ: you should try again._

_1:28AM  
Dan: jfc_

_1:28AM  
Dan: go to SLEEP, Peej._

_1:28AM  
PJ: right, sorry, g'night Dan_

_1:28AM  
Dan: night_.

 

One more text and he was personally gonna go to PJ's house and punch him in the face. He wasn't kidding. He does not need PJ reading his mind right now, or ever.

He just wants this whole crush thing to go away on it's own and he didn't need or deserve this. And neither did Phil, because honestly Dan felt like an ass for having this secret that he absolutely couldn't tell him at all. And also a little weird that he had these feelings and Phil had no idea. Like he was hiding something. He didn't like it.

He didn't know exactly /what/ he felt. But he didn't like it.  
Being Phil's roommate for so long and now having feelings for him and thinking about him /this way/ felt wrong, in a way. He couldn't help it. He felt a little guilty, especially when he seemed to take advantage of how much more comfortable they were on camera in the past while, but especially during this gamingmas.

Trying to explain it just over-complicates things.

If his feelings aren't gonna be requited then he just wants them to be gone. Simple as that.

He met himself relax a little. Maybe... Maybe he could fall asleep. If only he...

 

_1:35AM_

_PJ: are you totally sure Phil would say no, though?_

_1:35AM  
Dan: im going to murder you_

_1:35AM  
PJ: sorry sorry_

_1:35AM  
PJ: just saying, you could totally try_

_1:35AM  
Dan: go the fuck to sleep or im going there and choking you_

_1:35AM  
PJ: wow your fandom is right about you being kinky_

_1:35AM  
Dan: wow thanks_

_1:36AM  
Dan: how do you even know that. are you going through our tag? is that why you're all 'ask phil out' all of a sudden?_

_1:36AM  
PJ: maybe_

_1:36AM  
Dan: that explains so much_

_1:37AM  
PJ: so_

_1:37AM  
PJ: are you gonna do it_

_1:37AM  
Dan: no, peej. and he wouldn't say yes, even if I wanted him to._

_1:37AM  
PJ: do want him to?_

 

He wasn't gonna answer that.

 __  
1:39AM  
PJ: just saying, I think he'd say yes, what with the whole Love Eyes Lester thing

_1:40AM  
Dan: just go to sleep, peej, okay?_

_1:40AM  
PJ: sorry_

_1:40AM  
Dan: there's nothing to apologise for. we aren't a thing. I don't feel bad._

_1:40AM  
PJ: alright._

_1:40AM  
Dan: you're not gonna question it this time?_

_1:40AM  
PJ: nah, I'll believe what you say._

_1:40AM  
Dan: good_

 

Was it good? Should he just get this all out of his chest?  
Somehow, they were both yeses and both noes at the same time.

He sighed, thinking everything over.

It wasn't that he didn't trust PJ, it was just that he didn't want this to become a big thing, or for Phil to know, and people make mistakes sometimes, he couldn't risk PJ making a mistake.

How awkward would it be if Phil found out? How would the joint live show they said they're gonna do go? How would the rest of gamingmas go if Phil suddenly lost the comfort they had because he knew that Dan felt that way?

Would things actually be awkward between them? He didn't want it to be.

Although Phil avoiding him would probably be some well deserved karma for how he treated Phil during 2012. Still, he didn't want it. Call it selfish if you will. He doesn't care.

He has to be 100% sure that Phil will never find out ever, and the only way to do that is to keep it completely and utterly to himself and never tell anyone ever.

 

_1:55AM  
PJ: you know, you can talk to me if the fans are actually right_

_1:55AM  
Dan: they're not._

_1:55AM  
PJ: okay. goodnight._

 

Not even PJ.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well I hope the lack of dnp fluff in this wasn't too disappointing! next one might maybe be showing dan during their liveshow, or maybe his feels after. 
> 
> either way next one will be fluff!!!!!!!!!!


	5. Do Joint Liveshows And Unreasonable Laughter Make Much Of A Night? (well, that's not all)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a few paragraphs before the liveshow, but most after it. some feelings and laughter and fluff and other things, I won't spoil it for ya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still have some more exams left in the next two weeks, but hey, I found time to write a few paragraphs a day and now I have a chapter!
> 
> if this is shit, it's bc I'm busy. let the poor writer live. I have so much to study for. I'm barely even exited for christmas next week bc all I can think about is deadlines and finals. 
> 
> enjoy your fluff, you nerds

 

So. Much. Editing.

So. Much. Filming.

Need sleep.

Help.

 

And that was a basic summary of the only emotions that Dan could physically feel.

It wasn't that gamingmas wasn't fun and all, (although sports was really pushing the limits of what Dan found 'fun') they just were doing a lot these last three months and they needed to nap for like two months. Or years.

Still, they'd promised to do a joint live show that night, so no sleep yet.

Normally, all crush-feelings-whatever Dan would be a bit worried of how this would go, but honestly, he was tired and whatever happened was fine by him.

He sat next to Phil, yawning.

"Ready to start it now?" Phil asked, moving over a little bit to give Dan some room, but ended up touching to get in shot anyway.

"Yup."

"Wait, you should hide behind something!" Phil said, looking around the room.

"Oh, what, like last time where it hurt my arms to keep it up for as long as you made me do it?" Dan whined, "Ugh, fine."

Phil held up a cushion, looking proud of himself for his obliviously completely funny and original idea that they've obviously never done before ever.

The liveshow went pretty smoothly, although Dan was pretty tired, he had fun. Like when he made a ':|' face during the entirety of Phil talking about running into their glass door because he was trying not to laugh at him, or show any fondness whatsoever in front of tens of thousands of people live.

Plus, he got to complain about YouTube not telling them about the 'dance' routine with James Corden, and about that camera guy who ate their popcorn. Complaining is always fun.

Nothing too... crush-like happening.

Their shoulders were thouching the whole time, but Dan wasn't a weak ass bitch. He could handle some fucking shoulder touching for an hour.

They said their goodbyes, then Phil closed the laptop.

"You're not gonna scroll on Tumblr for hours now that that's over?" Dan said, watching Phil push his laptop to the side.

"Nah," Phil said, "I was thinking of making something small for dinner. Any suggestions?"

"Lasagna." Dan said jokingly.

"Something _quick_ and small for dinner, Dan. That would take ages."

"Cereal?" He said instead. Phil sighed and pushed him.

"You're no help." Phil whined. Dan laughed at him, grabbing onto the sofa edge for balance when Phil pushed him further.

"Just because I'm a dick doesn't mean I deserve to be killed by falling on our table, Philly, geez."

"You're being dramatic," Phil said, walking off, "I'm making us sandwiches!"

"You don't know that that's what I want!" Dan yelled after him.

"Yes I do."

"No, you don't!"

Phil peeked his head through the door, "Dan, bear, do you want the sandwich I was about to make you?"

"Yes."

"See, I know you." Phil said, leaving again, "I know all about you!"

Dan's mind immediately went to the crush thing again. (it does that way more than it should these days, honestly, its exhausting.)

Yeah................ _all_ about him....... _totally_.

He shook that thought out of his head, putting his feet up on the sofa and taking up the whole thing. Fuck Phil's side. It's his now. He closed his eyes and rested.

He drifted off for few minutes, getting rudely woken up again by Phil's voice.

"Hey, that's my spot." Phil said, Dan didn't bother to open his eyes. He heard the sound of plates being put on their table, then felt Phil grabbing his legs.

"Get off." Phil tried to pull him off, but Dan didn't budge. He absolutely refused to lose, pushing his feet into the sofa as hard as he could.

"Fine." Phil said, "I'm sitting on you."

Dan's eyes shot open, "Wait, Phil, no you're- oomph!"

Phil was on him, legs crossed as he sat on top of Dan's thighs.

"Dude, you're heavy as fuck, get off!" Dan struggled, trying to push him off.

Phil laughed at him.

Dan struggled more, but eventually just accepted the fact that Phil was now on him, about four inches away from his crotch. Which should sound hot, but the overall crushing sensation of a 6 foot tall giant resting all his weight on Dan's weak ass legs really ruined the mood.

Phil even kept his legs crossed, meaning he was putting no weight on the floor, and all of it on Dan. No mercy.

Ah, the price of Phil's wrath.

"You enjoying your food, you heavy bitch?" Dan said, trying to angrily eat his sandwich _at_  Phil to show his annoyance. (he just looked like an idiot biting his sandwich too hard.)

"Every bite."

"I'm going to hit you." Dan stared at him.

"You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses would you?" Phil pointed at his glasses which he must have put on sometime between leaving, making food, and coming back.

"I'm going to take those glasses off of your face and hit you with them." Dan said.

"Hilarious." Phil said sarcastically, standing up to put his empty plate down and picking up his laptop.

Dan took the opportunity to remove his legs and put them in a more comfortable position. Fuck, they were sore as hell. He might as well have worked out. (cue laughter from audience)

"Aw, where's my chair gone?" Phil joked when he saw that Dan had moved.

"Philly, you were practically sitting on my dick, go find a better fucking chair." Dan said, and immediately cringed.

Why did he just say that?! _Sitting on his dick, really? **Oh my god.**_

Phil was silent for a while, Dan slowly wishing more and more that he was never born for every millisecond that moment lasted.

He was about to say something to try and fix the situation when Phil started laughing.

Dan stared at him in bewilderment, trying to process what was happening in front of him, before laughing as well.

It wasn't just any laughter. They were full-on, crying and coughing from laughter, and laughing for a lot longer than they should have.

"Why-" Dan coughed, " are we even la-" another laugh-cough, "laughing at this?"

"I don't know!" Phil took a deep breath to sober himself up, but ended up a laughing mess again.

"Tired laughing?" Dan said.

"Definitely."

"Sit down! Stop laughing up there." Dan said, grabbing Phil (who was still stood up) by the hand and pulling him down on the sofa, "Preferably, sit down-" He took a deep breath so he wouldn't laugh again, "Somewhere that's not- n- not near my di-" he failed. He laughed again, and Phil did, too.

Dan's chest was actually in pain. He had abs now.

"Th-this is _so_ f-f-fuck-king _stupid_." Dan said, trying to stop, "What are we, 12?"

"On a scale of one to ten." Phil said, who had mostly stopped laughing, but was still giggling a bit.

"Geez, stop flirting, wow." Dan joked.

They did completely stop laughing at some point. Not sure exactly when, but definitely later than they should have looking at the fact they're supposed to be 'mature' adults.

"This was the stupidest fucking thing we've done all week." Dan said, face palming.

"More stupid than me hitting my face on our glass door?"

" _Yes_." Dan said, "Although, I can't make fun of this on YouNow this time. Imagine their reactions if I told them we laughed for like ten minutes because I told you not to sit on my dick."

Phil let out a fast breath, noticeably about to laugh again before stopping himself.

"Why we found any of this fun is really going to confuse me in the morning, isn't it?" Phil said.

"It'll confuse morning Dan, too." Dan said, "We're so immature. This is ridiculous. I'm going to bed."

"I'm going to see if tonight's video is actually even processing." Phil said.

"Alright." Dan was about to leave but stopped in his tracks when Phil called him again.

"Hey, um, Dan?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I sleep in your bed with you tonight?" Phil said, "It's just... really cold, and, like, maybe it would be nice?"

"Um, sure." Dan said. "Why not?"

They do that a lot. It was fine. He'd be chill. Right? _Totally. Absolutely._

Depending on their crappy internet's decision, the video was going to process in either an hour or two, or in about ten minutes. So Phil should be there by then.

Plenty time to... to whatever. Just... get ready? Emotionally prepare himself? Whatever it was, he had time for it. Maybe a shower, too.

He grabbed some PJ's and went into the bathroom. He looked himself in the mirror.

"Be chill about this." He said under his breath, "This is fine. Nothing will happen."

(He had a completely normal shower. Nothing to see there, you creeps. If he shampooed his hair first or his body, or if he thought of Phil even one single time, that was none of you business. Get out of his face. Leave him alone. Stalkers.)

When he got back to his room, Phil wasn't there yet.

Maybe, just maybe, if he fell asleep as soon as possible, life would cut him some slack and Phil would join him late.

He closed his eyes and focused on whatever shitty thing the internet said helps fall asleep faster. Counting sheep. Thinking of nothing. Whatever.

It would have worked, too. He had fallen asleep for a while, but was woken again by the sound of his door creaking open. 

Just his luck, if luck was even a thing. Which he didn't think it was. But if it is, he didn't have any of it.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" Phil whispered.

"Nah, hadn't slept yet." He lied, "It's fine. C'mon." Dan shuffled to the side to give him space. Phil took his glasses off, putting them on the bedside table and laying down with him.

He couldn't avoid Phil here.

Well, physically, he could, but logically, it would be suspicious as fuck, and frankly kinda rude when his best friend was a cuddly nerd who just wants to be comfortable and did not ask for Dan to feel the way he does.

Phil put his arm over Dan's waist, shuffling a little closer.

"Goodnight, Dan."

"Goodnight."

Dan seriously regretted he slept without a shirt on. Like, full on, holy fuck, can someone kill him right now, because Phil's arm was wrapped around his bare waist and we was about to have a heart attack.

Dan's internal screaming must have been soothing to him, as Phil fell asleep very fast, which wasn't a very Phil-thing to do.

Dan moved a little to the side, facing him.

Phil still had his arm around him, his legs intertwined with Dan's under his sheets.

Innocently sharing bed's with friends was one of Dan's favourite things. But when you have a crush on that friend...

It was fair to say his heart thought he was running a marathon, that's how fast it was beating. Unnecessary.

Dan looked at his best friend's sleepy face.

Phil's hair was in a mess again, going in multiple directions and staying a little squished against Dan's pillow. His mouth was just a little bit open, and he seemed to be shivering.

Phil must be cold. Dan tightened his arm around Phil, careful not to wake him.  
Phil shifted, nuzzling the top of his head into the crook of Dan’s neck, but didn't seem to be awake. Just cuddly.

If he could see more than outlines, he'd probably say his face was about as red as an actual fucking tomato.

Still, Phil was warm, and this was nice, even if his annoying, beating heart wouldn't leave him alone.

Dan kissed the top of Phil's head, a completely cheesy thing to do that left him with a little smile on his face, before willing himself to fall asleep.

Keep yourself together, Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nyehehe bet ya weren't expecting the bed sharing since I didn't add that to the summary for the specific reason of Aww That's Cute reactions 
> 
> if that was shit, remember what I said in the begginging notes. finals have rendered me a mess. blame the school system for my sudden lack in writing skills. 
> 
> enough rambling. 
> 
> have fun waiting for the next one, dearest readers. (unless ur from the future where I finished it. good for you friend)


	6. Will He Ever Stop Noticing Phil? (nah)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more fluff and cuddles and mornings and all that stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a few more tests and I'll be free on the 29th of December!!!! yay for me!!!
> 
> anyway here's some stuff I wrote in between crying and stressing about grades there ya go guys

 

  
Dan woke up, his mind fuzzy. He had some dream that he couldn't really remember, although he knew it was weird. Whatever.

He opened his eyes to see Phil still there, deep in his sleep.

They were completely cuddled up together, one of Dan's thighs in-between Phil's legs, their arms tightly around each other (which was an unexplainable sensation looking at the fact that Dan was completely shirtless) and their faces so close their noses were almost touching.

Dan was pretty much blushing his face off already, and he'd only woken up thirty seconds ago! It's was such a couple situation, he couldn't help it.

If it was possible, Phil's hair was in a bigger mess than before, and Phil's shirt was a wrinkly mess that had gone up and barely covered his stomach, which Dan, of course, was definitely not looking at. At all. He doesn't know what you're talking about.

Phil was snoring softly, his mouth hanging just a little bit open with what must have been a tiny bit of drool on his chin. The chilly air mixed with the warmth of their bed gave Phil the softest little blush on his face.

Phil shuffled a bit, taking in a deep breath before sighing softly in his sleep and somehow getting even closer to Dan.

Oh, man.

Dan tried to slow his breathing, but his heart was freaking the fuck out.

He raised his hand off of where it was rested on Phil's back and gently poked Phil on the cheek. (It was soft, squishy. adorable. if you're curious.)

Phil stirred a little bit, scrunching his face a little, but staying asleep and resting his head on Dan's chest.

It was official.

If Dan wasn't already in love with this man, he definitely was now.

Phil raised his head, Dan staying completely still. He was still asleep, but he was moving a lot more than he should be.

Phil got closer, their noses and foreheads rested on each other. Dan gasped quietly, staring at Phil with wide eyes, before softening his gaze. Phil was so cuddly and adorable, even when sleep.

He raised his hand and gently pushed Phil's mouth closed. He was adorable, but Dan didn't need drool all over his pillow.

Phil moved his arm up, which was still around Dan's shirtless frame. Dan tried not to, at the very least not externally, freak out. His mind was going haywire.

The fact Phil's legs around his upper thigh were keeping them chest-to-chest (*cough* crotch-to-crotch *cough*) really wasn't helping him in this situation.

dontthinkaboutitdontthinkaboutitdontthinkaboutit

Don't think about it.

Do not.

Don't.

He sighed. He was thinking about it. But he couldn't just wake Phil up, how would he explain it? 'Oh, yeah, Phil, you're making my morning a lot more difficult than it should be because you're so fucking adorable and also really hot even when you're asleep, get up and leave?'

Phil somehow tightened his hold around Dan even more.

shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit

For the love of god, Phil, wake up now because this was gonna get extremely awkward very, very fast.

He has to do this. He has to wake him.

He rolled over,, in hopes to wake him in a more explainable way, or at the very least, get out of that situation. ('Oh, but Dan, Phil is so warm and nice, why would you want to get out of that situation?' Have you ever been completely cuddled up with the person you like? It's torture. Heaven and warm and adorable, but torture. Dan isn't aro or ace. He is not safe from The Feelings™.) (not that ace and aro people can't catch the feelings. all sexualities are a spectrum. just dan is nowhere on it.) (poor dan)

Phil didn't wake up, but he did roll over to the other side, taking Dan's blanket with him, sleepily wrapping it around himself.

He looked so fucking precious, it was almost insulting.

What is this, a Nicolas Sparks novel? Shut the fuck up, Dan. Get a life. Stop looking at your sleeping best friend. It's creepy. What's wrong with you?

He grabbed his phone form the bedside table. 9 AM. Okay, not too early. Not too late. Reasonable hour to be awake.

He got up, put a shirt on, and walked out of his room, closing the door slowly so he wouldn't wake Phil.

He should make them some breakfast. Yeah, Phil'd like that.

~

He was in the middle of the tenth pancake, singing softly. He wasn't the best singer, but he sounded okay.  
Still, it didn't really matter did it? Just for fun. He wasn't on a stage anymore.

He kept up the tune, making a few more with the batter that was left and turning off the fire. He picked up the plane and turned around, almost dropping it when he saw Phil standing there.

"Fuck!" Dan yelled, "You scared me, you spork."

"Sorry." Phil said, taking a step back awkwardly.

"How long have you even been there?" Dan asked, focusing on not dropping the food as he put it down on the closest counter.

"About four pancakes." Phil said. Was he blushing? He totally was. What a nerd, wow.

"Wanted to spy on my sexy morning singing voice, eh?" Dan joked.

Phil chuckled, "Sure."

"Careful next time." Dan said, grabbing Phil's arm with one hand and the plate of pancakes with the other, pulling them both to the sofa crease, putting the food down and turning on the TV.

"Thanks, Dan." Phil said.

"It's just some breakfast, nothing to thank me for."

"Well, it's delicious, so thanks for not burning them or something." Phil smiled at him.

"Don't thank me yet because they seem good. You don't know if I poisoned them or not," Dan said.

Phil laughed and kept eating.

Dan wasn't really watching the movie. He did eat absentmindedly, but barely tasted it. All he really noticed was Phil. His half combed hair that he probably just fixed with his fingers, his oversized T-shirt hanging loosely from his body, Phil's glasses on his face instead of contact lenses.

He also noticed how Phil was huddled up in himself, legs as close as physically possible, his free arm around himself, body going inward. He was cold.

"You want me to raise the heating or something?" Dan asked.

"What? Oh, nah, I'm fine." Phil said.

He was gonna regret this, wasn't he?

Dan put his empty plate down and sat closer to him. He put an arm though Phil's, one of his legs over his. Phil looked up and gave a sleepy, grateful smile. Phil rested his head on Dan's shoulder, continuing to watch the movie.

Dan's poor heart couldn't take it. It was so cute. Oh my fucking god.

"See, you are cold, you little shit." Dan said, running his fingers through Phil's hair.

Phil decided to put his other leg over Dan's, now pretty much almost sitting on his lap, except his butt was still technically on their sofa.

"Wow, okay, get comfortable, you cat." Dan said.

"Shhhh, I can't hear the movie." Phil said, putting a hand over Dan's mouth for some extra 'shut the fuck up' effect.

Dan raised an eyebrow at him, Phil giggling as he lowered his hand.

They sat cuddled up for a while, just watching the movie.

"What are we filming today?" Phil suddenly asked.

"I was thinking undertale. We did have that dinner with Sans to do, right?" Dan said.

"That will take a long time to edit, you sure we should do that for today?"

"Totally." Dan said, smiling to himself. He totally could. It filled him with determination.

~

The rest of the day went pretty smoothly. Filmed the video, had the undertale video up... eventually. (yeah, made it pretty obvious he was a little late to editing that one, eh? everyone who stayed up past midnight to watch it, he's sorry, but he really also isn't. if you can convince him to stop cuddling and watching tv with Phil to edit videos you must be either god, or Phil himself.)

It had been about thirty minutes since the video went up, and they had gone their separate rooms to... 'sleep'.

Dan had to admit, as awkward and emotionally frustrating it had been, he missed Phil's warmth when they had slept in the same bed. Cuddles were nice. He doesn't care if that's disgustingly cheesy.

Should he actually try going to Phil's room? It's not like Phil would be surprised. Phil's reaction really isn't that worrying. It was more just... if he should. It's hard to explain. (go fall in love with your best friend, you'll understand. unless you don't. and dan is just weird. that seems like it would also be true.)

Whether it was a good idea or not, he found himself walking towards Phil's door, already having his hand on the handle, turning it.

Phil was on his bed, leaning on then bed frame, his phone in his hand and blanket over his shoulders.

"You okay, Dan?" Phil asked, shining his phone light at him.

"Fine, I just..." Dan hesitated, can he come up with some excuse? Just leave? "Can I sleep here tonight? I just... Kind of like...  
Well..."

"You don't have to explain." Phil said, moving more to the side to give him room, "Unless you want to?"

"Nah." Dan said, "It's nothing big." He sat next to him, Phil taking the blanket off of himself to put it over the both of them.

"Post existential crisis?" Phil said.

"Kind of." Dan chuckled. I mean, it wasn't really, but was thinking a lot about Phil, and Phil is part of his life, so close enough?

The cuddling was cheesy as fuck, but let him enjoy life, damn it.

That morning he woke up to find himself as the little spoon, which was mildly horrifying to be in that position with the person you're in love with, as Phil's chest was rested on his back, his legs over his. Although, as horrifying as it was, he liked it.

And he had time to get used to it, too, as he did the same lame thing the next night, and the one after that. No excuses. Just coming in, laying down, cuddling up.

The only time he has slept this good had been when they did the same thing in the tatinof tour bus. Sleeping in the comfortable, ginormous bed all to themselves, together.

Yeh, he's still in love with Phil, and yeh, Phil doesn't feel the same way, but still. Cuddles were nice. And sleeping with Phil's warmth around him was all he really needed. Why they ever sleep separately made no sense whatsoever.

Even if they stay platonic, that would be enough.

"Hey, Dan?" Phil said one morning (probably Sunday?), waking him gently.

"Yeah?"

"Should we film more than one video today, since I go to my parents for Christmas?" Phil said, "Maybe some google feud for today's video or something."

Oh. Right.

Dan had forgotten about that.

Phil would be going to his family for Christmas.

"Yeah, good idea." Dan said, not letting himself sound too disappointed.

Well, so much for the daily cuddles then.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> give ya a whole chapter a fluff only to make the very last paragraphs about phil leaving for Christmas hahahahaahahha im truly evil aren't I guys
> 
> but seriously I'm trying to keep this as accurate to what DnP are actually doing so I'm not gonna change the fact Phil's already at his family by my current IRL time, but probs filming extra stuff by the fic's time since I'm writing this fic just a few days behind to what is actually happening RIGHT NOW. 
> 
> because that was a good idea, right guys??? no, it wasn't. it means I have to do a lot of research and everything they're doing at all times so it's accurate bc I want it to be.
> 
> ENJOY THE FUCKING FLUFF


	7. Was He Really That Pathetic? (lil bit)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're going their separate families for Christmas and dan really doesn't know how he feels about it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merry late christmas whatever have chapter here yay

 

  
They ended up only filming two videos the day before. Too in the schedule of record and post on the same day. They'd probably need to do two the day before Phil left to keep up the gamingmas schedule, since Phil would already be up north on Friday. Still, it was only Tuesday. They had time.

Look, Dan wasn't gonna admit that he was gonna miss him.

Yeah, he hears what you're saying, 'Oh, Dan, he's not gonna be gone that long! you'll survive. you do it every year! you have your own family! think about them instead of Phil for a little!' Yes. He knows he does it every year. And every year he feels lonely to not be with his best friend. Only now it would be even worse because he was in love with said best friend.

He looked at Phil's sleepy face next to his. At this point, Dan could tell you every little detail about Phil's face. From the wrinkles and rolls he got when he slept, to the way his mouth hung a little bit open when he was really deep in a dream. How Phil's face scrunched up a little when Dan poked him, or how he stirred awake when you played with his hair. How soft and deep Phil's voice sounded when he first wakes up, how he yawned and his little breath of relief when he stretches and cracks his muscles first thing in the morning.

Dan was the most dramatic person ever, but he really would miss having Phil there with him, even if it was just for a short while.

You try living with the same person for 7 years and spending almost every day with them and then get separated. You'll miss them within a day, no joke. Even if you're just sitting next to each other, or hearing the distant sound of their footsteps in another room, it's enough. It's always enough.

And the habit of them sleeping in the same bed every night was becoming a comfort that he looked forward to whenever he thought about what he'd do that evening.

He was so pathetic.

He'd be with his family. He wasn't gonna be lonely. He didn't need to worry about that.

Still, whenever Phil got a bit closer to him, smiled in his sleep or raised his arms and clung to him like Dan was the only thing he needed even when asleep, you could understand why.

He was face to face with him this time. He put his hand in Phil's hair, rubbing little circles into it, running his thumb along the front turning his emo hair into a quiff himself. He sighed, letting his hand rest there.

He leaned down and kissed the top of Phil's head, but not smiling this time. Just felt a pang in his chest. He really was pathetic. Still.

They stayed like that for a while. He didn't know how long. Wallowing in sorrow really fucks with your perception of time passing.

Eventually, Phil did wake up, opening his eyes slowly and yawning, smiling sleepily the moment he saw Dan looking at him.

Pang in his chest again, this time unsure whether he was sad or if Phil was just the most beautiful person he'd ever seen in his life. Little bit of both.

"Morning," Phil said, resting his head back on Dan's chest.

"Morning, Philly," Dan said, trying his best not to blush at all of it.

"Today we're posting the best friend quiz that we did before, right?"

"Yeah."

"And we're filming multiple videos so we can get ready to go," Phil stated, removing his arms from where they were around Dan to get up and stretch.

"Yup," Dan answered, although he didn't have to.

~

"Are you okay, Dan?" Phil asked.

They had just finished filming three videos, changing their clothes each time to make it less obvious that they totally left this to the last minute, and saved them to edit.

Dan didn't realise he looked like he wasn't okay, although knowing him, when did he ever look not-tired and not-sad?

"M'fine, why?"

"Since we finished the videos, you've just been sitting there all gloomy. Even for editing-mode you, you seem sadder than usual." Phil said, "Did I say something?"

"Just... tired." Dan said, resting his arms on the table and then resting his head on them.

"That's not true." Phil said, poking the side of Dan's cheek that he could reach.

"Then what's true, Philly?" Dan raised his head and looked at him.

"I don't know, I just know this isn't tired you," Phil said, noticeably getting more frustrated.

Should he tell him?

"It's really stupid," Dan said.

"I can handle stupid, Dan."

Dan sighed. "You know how you're leaving to your family for Christmas?"

"Oh." Was Phil's only response.

"Yeah," Dan sighed again, "I'll miss you. And your pancakes in the morning. And your warmth when we cuddle and shit."

"You're so cheesy, Dan." Phil laughed, "I guess that's why the fandom thinks you're I love with me."

Dan's heart skipped about fifteen beats, trying not to give anything away as he fake chuckled and watched Phil laugh with him.

Oh, you have no idea.

"I guess I am." Dan said.

"In love with me?" Phil said, surprised.

"What?!" Dan panicked, flinching up from his resting position, "No! I mean, I just... I meant 'I guess I am /cheesy/.' Oh my fucking god, I worded that horribly after... after a sentence like that, I'm sorry."

"Dan, calm down, its fine." Phil placed a hand on Dan's shoulder.

"Right. Yeah. Sorry." Dan said, chuckling awkwardly, "I didn't want that to be a horrible misunderstanding that made it really awkward once we left our separate ways for Christmas."

"Right," Phil turned away, grabbing his phone as if checking the time, "Horrible misunderstanding," Phil said again as he got up and started walking away.

"Where are you going?"

"Just gonna get some ribena." Phil raised the empty glass in his hand, Dan must not have seen him take it. "Makes editing easier, doesn't it? We have a lot of undertale to do."

"Get me some, too." Dan gave him his glass, Phil taking it without looking at him. Strange. Probably nothing.

Phil got back, giving him his glass and without a word turning to his own computer where he was editing.

It was normal for them to sit in comfortable silence, but Dan was just in a really bad mood, and everything seems suspicious and terrible and your anxiety that others don't like you raises up when you're sad.

Phil is probably just as tired as you are, let him be. You don't have to be suspicious of him just because he isn't fucking cuddling with you every goddamn second. You have work to do. Videos to edit. Focus on that instead of the fact your best friend is tired and you're overthinking it like everything else in your life.

He'd have a great time with his family, and he did miss their dog Collin. But, still, he'd miss Phil, too.

Emotions suck.

That's the bottom line of all this.

~

It was night by the time they'd finished editing all the videos they'd post that week, (Except for some more painstakingly long editing for undertale, and for the last video they planned to post on Christmas Eve that they were gonna film tomorrow. Probably a sims video. Nice first Christmas with the Howlters.), they watched some Steven universe in-between, and just generally had a normal day and food and stuff.

Dan yawned, watching the last of the day's video render. They had recorded the Best Friend Quiz #2 some day or two before, and Dan had to live with the tweet Phil sent without any explanation to their viewers about it. It was cruel, so, it was a good thing this video was finally fucking up.

"Done," Dan said, snapping Phil out of his scrolling daze.

"Oh, nice." Phil gave a tired smile.

A while passed of them just sitting in silence.

"I'm gonna go do my live show," Dan said suddenly.

"Aren't you tired for a live show though?" Phil asked, "We did do a lot today."

"I'm fine." Dan said, "It's only 10, you do whatever you want, I'm gonna go talk with the viewers for an hour."

He walked off with his laptop in his hand, stopping dead in his tracks when he saw the mess of a room his was. He hasn't been using it to sleep in in a while, just for clothes, and it was a bloody mess.

"I'm using the living room for the live show later!" Dan yelled so Phil would hear him.

"I wasn't planning on going in there anyway." Phil yelled back.

"Good!" Dan laughed, placing his laptop on the table. Okay, time for some quality bants with the viewers, whatevs.

It went nicely, as tired as he was. Still, the only thing he wanted now was sleep. He walked into Phil's room, but Phil surprisingly wasn't there yet.

"Phil?" He called out.

"Here." Phil's voice was heard from another room.

"I'm going to bed, you coming?" Dan yelled back, he really didn't want to go there to find him.

"Later." Phil said back, and the house went back to its usual calm.

Dan shrugged and laid down, talking of his obnoxious sweater and wrapping himself in Phil's blanket instead. For winter, it was surprisingly not that cold, but he liked the feeling of blankets anyway.

He laid alone for a while. Strange, Phil wasn't coming. It probably hadn't been that long and Dan's tired mind was making it seem longer than it actually was, but still. He slept better with Phil there, and now he wasn't.

Don't be so clingy and pathetic. Just sleep.

He took a few deep breaths, willing himself to fall asleep faster.

He did, eventually, but was woken by Phil opening the door so obnoxiously slowly that it creaked for long enough to wake him. The opposite of what Phil was probably trying to do. Dan stayed laid there, eyes closed.

Call him strange, but he was kind of curious what Phil would do if he thought Dan was still asleep. Boredom, late thoughts, morbid curiosity, too much fanfic reading, whatever you want to call it.

"Dan?" Phil whispered. Dan didn't reply.

"Oh, you didn't wake," Phil said, laying down next to him and wrapping the blanket around himself as he put his arms around Dan's waist. Little spoon-ed again.

Phil stayed silent, wrapping himself tighter around him.

Okay, a lot more uneventful than Dan had thought.

"Hey, Dan?" Phil whispered, Dan staying silent again.

"I..." Phil sighed, "I'm gonna miss you. I know it's just a few days, and I'm just as cheesy as you, but you're comfy."

Dan smiled a little because he knew Phil couldn't see him now. So he was just as cheesy. Dan wasn't too pathetic.

With Phil's arms around him, Dan slept. Just as comfortable as ever. He could have sworn he heard Phil whisper something else right before he fell asleep, but it was probably just a goodnight.

  
~

  
"Well, today's the day." Phil said, pulling his small suitcase with him.

"I go to my family, you go to yours," Dan said, rubbing at the back of his neck. Don't be too obvious.

"Christmas with the fam," Phil said.

"Never say that again," Dan groaned, "I can't believe that's gonna be in the last conversation we have before you go, wow. What a great thing to remember."

"At least it's not a horrible misunderstanding." Phil mocked what Dan had said a few days before. He'd been doing that a lot the past few days and honestly Dan was gonna murder him.

"Hey, I word one sentence wrong and you got to make a big deal out of it." Dan pushed him, "You bully."

"I can't believe Dan Howell is in love with me." Phil joked.

Oh god, you have no idea.

"I meant to say 'I guess I am cheesy'!" Dan chuckled, "Let me be, I was tired, I didn't know that that wording would seem that way."

"I'll see you after Christmas, Dan." Phil hugged him, "Say hi to the family dog for me!"

"Will do, Philly." Dan said, smiling as he let go. "Now get on that train and out of my fucking sight."

"Wow." Phil laughed, "I thought you were in love with me."

"Fuck off." Dan laughed with him.

"I'll call you when I reach there." Phil said, giving Dan one last hug before going in.

And with that, he was gone. Dan sighed.

He was going to go to his own family, he wasn't gonna be lonely for Christmas or anything.

He was just going to miss Phil.

Because he was pathetic.

He really wished that saying he loved Phil was a horrible misunderstanding. Maybe it would make it a little easier.

Still. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if this seemed angstier than usual it's my fren Adél's fault for showing me a sadder fic that I loved but also got emotionally scarred from 
> 
> (called Lifeline, joshler fic, probably the opposite of my fic bc it's barely fluff at all it's so much pain but so good, find it here it's great: http://archiveofourown.org/works/8421724/chapters/19297063 give it some attention bc it's great and if the original ending on chapter 14 scarrs you too much you can read the alternate one on chapter 15 which is happier I promise) 
> 
>  
> 
> suffer.


	8. What Even Is This Crush Anymore? (idk)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> crushes during christmas aren't easy, even if the person isn't there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay I actually found time in-between tests and shit to write 
> 
> semester is finally over, probs might write more often but I hold no promises 
> 
> still set at christmas bc I won't ruin my fic's continuity just bc IRL time it's already almost new years 
> 
> have fun

 

 

It must be early. He was exhausted, his muscles hurting, neck in a bit of pain. He probably needed to switch pillows. These weren't very good for his neck, apparently. Phil's pillows were good every other time, so why weren't they now?

He reached out with his eyes still closed, planning to wake Phil and tell him about it or something, whatever it was, his mind was foggy, but felt no one there.

"Phil, are you-" Dan opened his eyes, stopping mid sentence when he was met by the sight of what definitely wasn't his room, nor Phil's.

Oh, right.

Phil wasn't there.

He was at his family's home.

And Dan was at _his_ family's home.

He stood up on the bed. He couldn't really see anything, just whatever the little bit of light coming in through the blinds let him see, but it was enough to remember he wasn't home.

He grabbed his phone and checked the time. 8AM. Surprisingly early for him.

He should take advantage of the time he got to be alone.

He tapped his message app, clicking Phil's name (that he had saved as 'Philly' this time.) He let his fingers float over the keyboard for a second, wondering what he should say.

  
"i miss you already." He typed.

  
Dan shook his head, not that anyone was there to see him do so.

 

"i miss you already, you spork"

 

Was that even better?

He didn't know. He really didn't know.

His finger hovered over the send button. He sighed, clicking it. Phil was a cheesy nerd like him, it was fine. Whatever.

 

8:03AM  
Dan: i miss you already, you spork

8:09AM  
Philly: I miss you too, Dan. Merry Christmas ^__^

8:10AM  
Dan: christmas eve is this tonight, wish me it then

8:10AM  
Philly: :P

8:10AM  
Dan: love u too

8:10AM  
Philly: So it wasn't bad wording when you told me you loved me!

8:11AM  
Dan: wow i try to be a cheesy friend and you bring that back

8:11AM  
Philly: I'm not letting you live it down

8:11AM  
Dan: i hate you

8:11AM  
Philly: You're in love with me.

8:11AM  
Dan: you push your luck philly. now go have some christmas fun with your family.

 

Dan chuckled to himself as he put his phone down and went to find his shirt. As he was putting it on, he heard his phone vibrate on the bed.

 

8:15AM  
Philly: You're part of my family, too.

 

They had said that to each other. Multiple times even. When they first moved in to London. When they first got the copy of their book. On the first and last day of their tour.

Family. It wasn't a foreign term to their relationship, but it still made his heart skip.

 

8:16AM  
Dan: im proud to be a honorary member of your fam, then

8:16AM  
Philly: <3

 

Dan stared at his phone, his face red. Phil was just being cheesy as usual, but he couldn't help it.

He grabbed the pillow next to him, hugging it against his chest and resting his face on it. God, he was such a fucking teenager in love, it was ridiculous. It's like he'd been sucked back to 2009, just now he had even more to lose if he ever decided to tell him.

He sighed.

There was one person he could tell...

 

8:20AM  
Dan: do you have time to talk peej?

8:25AM  
PJ: on christmas?

8:26AM  
Dan: is that a yes

8:26AM  
PJ: yes

8:26AM  
Dan: good.

8:26AM  
Dan: you know the phil thing, right?

8:26AM  
PJ: you finally asked him out?

8:27AM  
Dan: no that's not it

8:27AM  
PJ: then what is this about? is phil okay?

8:27AM  
Dan: phil's fine, peej. im the one who needs help.

8:27AM  
PJ: did you finally figure out that you're in love with him?

 

Dan felt the urge to tell him to fuck off, but no. Peej was completely right, and Dan shouldn't be an ass about it right now.

 

8:28AM  
Dan: maybe

8:28AM  
Peej: I said before that you can't talk to me. that hasn't changed, dan.

8:28AM  
Dan: i know.

8:29AM  
Peej: so when did you finally figure it out?

 

To say Dan went on a rant was probably an understatement, but hey, leave him alone. PJ was cool with it, so who are you to judge him?

 

8:46AM  
Peej: damn

8:46AM  
Dan: after all that, you have a one word response?

8:46AM  
Peej: it's the first thing that came to mind

8:46AM  
Dan: yeah well it's not helping me very much is it

8:46AM  
PJ: look, I stand by what I said before, you should ask him out, or give anything like that a try

8:46AM  
Dan: you know I can't do that! you know how much im risking if he doesn't feel that way. and don't try to say that phil is a nice person and things wouldn't change, because they would change! as much as phil is the actual sun in my life, he'd get awkward if he doesn't feel that way and he'd pity me and stay and things just wouldn't be the same, okay?

8:47AM  
PJ: okay.

8:47AM  
Dan: you're not gonna argue about it?

8:47AM  
PJ: would it change your mind?

8:47AM  
Dan: no, I guess not

8:50AM  
PJ: why do you always ask me for help if you won't take any of it

8:50AM  
Dan: i know you won't think im annoying if i rant to you, and that's enough sometimes

8:50AM  
PJ: im honored to be that friend and all, dan, but seriously at least hint a date or let me do it for you

8:50AM  
Dan: do it for me how

8:50AM  
PJ: I have my methods

 

Hmmmmm.......

 

8:51AM  
Dan: I don't want to trick him into anything, peej. he doesn't even like confrontation, imagine him being put in a date with me! he'd be awkward as hell, first off, and then he wouldn't end it because he'd be too kind to end it if he saw I was interested in it whatsoever, and I don't want a pity date either, especially not from him

8:51AM  
PJ: you've really thought about this haven't you

8:51AM  
Dan: little bit

 

'Little bit' was also an understatement, but he wasn't gonna admit that.

 

8:51AM  
PJ: look, dan, either ask him on a date or let me be your wingman, or wait for him to do it himself, he probably will eventually

8:51AM  
Dan: you don't know he will

8:51AM  
PJ: do you know he won't?

 

Dan stared at the last message with no idea what to answer. In all honesty, he didn't know how Phil felt whatsoever. As far as Dan knew, Phil could have had a crush on him before Dan even had his re-surfacing of his crush again.

But that was absurd.

The chances of Phil liking the cheesy, sad, asshole person that he is was so small he could probably mistake it for a grain of sand.

Still, he-

His thoughts were interrupted by a loud knock at his door.

"Wake up, it's Christmas!" He heard from the other side of the door.

"Coming." He said, putting on a better pair of black jeans and placing his phone in his pocket.

Enough Phil thoughts.

Christmas time.

  
~

  
Christmas Eve with his family was going great. Better than a lot of other times, especially now that with the tour he had a lot he could talk about, and he could feel that they were proud of him, which made the night so much more better.

He was very well aware that his face was doing The Thing™ whenever he talked about Phil, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Heart-Eyes-Howell into space, what-fucking-ever.  
Nothing to lose when he's home, right?

"Are you two dating yet?" His mother asked suddenly.

Dan choked on the food he just put in his mouth. Horrible timing much?

"What do you mean by ' _yet_ '? Did you think we would eventually?" Dan repeated. Whatever for a misunderstanding, but 'yet'? _Yet_?!

"I mean, I thought it was obvious you could be already." His mother chuckled at him.

"I wasn't expecting it from you," Dan laughed, his face bright red, "And, no, we're not. Never were."

They kept eating normally, laughing every so often at a joke one of them made.

"You sure you don't like him though?" His brother joked.

Dan choked on his water this time.

"Stop trying to kill me by asking these kinds of questions when I have food or drink in my mouth!" Dan whined in-between coughs. "And, no, I don't, Adrian."

"You sure?"

"Let him be." His mother chuckled as she put a hand on Adrian's shoulder.

Okay, maybe he should actually chill with the Heart Eyes Howell™.

He'd like to say the rest of dinner went with minimal mentions of Phil, but as much as he tried to avoid the topic, he failed miserably. Phil was just the best thing he could talk about, believe it or not. And he'd spent the majority of 2016 with him, who and what else did he really have to talk about himself?  
Of course, they weren't always talking about Dan, just... whenever he was he one who started the conversation, it was always about Phil, or him and Phil, together.

(aka, he's so smitten. someone help him.)

Still, the night went smoothly.

Finished dinner, exchanged early gifts and said their goodnights. And now he was here, in his room, on his phone.

He clicked on messages.

  
11:15PM  
Dan: merry christmas, philly

11:16PM  
Philly: Merry Christmas, Dan <3

11:16PM  
Dan: cool

11:16PM  
Philly: <3

  
Jfc, stop with the hearts, Phil. You're giving Dan a fucking heart attack. 

  
11:16PM  
Dan: wanna call and talk instead?

11:16PM  
Phil: Sure ^__^

  
The next... very long while was spent of just the two of them talking, trying not to be too loud and wake their respective families. Although, he couldn't really help laughing sometimes. It was late, and Phil was adorable and hilarious, can you blame him? Let him enjoy The Actual Sun™ that Phil Lester is.

"Alright, then," Dan yawned, "Think it's time to go to bed?"

"Yeah." Phil said, also mid-yawn, "That's probably the best idea right now."

"Probably." Dan repeated sleepily, "Merry Christmas, Phil."

"Merry Christmas, Dan." Phil said, and Dan could almost by audio know that Phil was smiling on the other end, "Love you."

Dan was, of course, stunned for a moment, but didn't hesitate to answer, "Love you, too, spork."

"See, I told-" Phil yawned, "I told you I knew it wasn't a mis-wording when you said you're in love with me!"

Dan smiled, "Sure, whatever you say."

Phil laughed softly.

"Goodnight, Dan."

"Goodnight."

Dan was the one to hang up, putting the phone down on the bedside table once he did so, then dropping his entire body onto the not-that-soft-but-enough-to-not-die mattress of 'his' room. He laid on his back, putting a pillow over his face and sighing.

He didn't know exactly what he was feeling, but there was a lot of it.

Too much of it. Heartbeat, too fast. Thoughts, too many. Emotions in general, blah, he didn't need this much.

He was literally acting like he was in some cheesy one-sided romance novel, it was ridiculous. What is even his life anymore?

He wrapped the blanket around his topless frame, reaching for his phone again.

  
2:46AM  
Dan: you're probably asleep but I wanted to say that im thinking of telling phil or at least drop some hints when he comes home

2:46AM  
PJ: fucking finally

2:46AM  
Dan: wow were you just anxiously waiting in front of your phone to make sure you message me the very minute I send you a message, you must be so dedicated

2:46AM  
PJ: no.

2:47AM  
Dan: I don't believe you.

  
He shut off his phone, and if PJ texted back, he was too asleep to see it. (which he was really thankful for. the other night, he'd barely been able to get comfortable without Phil there to hold on to him. maybe 3AM Dan was too exhausted to focus on normal Dan's clinginess.)

His chances may only be the size of a grain of sand, but it was still a chance.

He didn't have to be too obvious with the... 'hints'...

That's why they're called hints isn't it? Just small, little things that if he has a chance, Phil might just notice, but if he doesn't, Phil won't question them too much.

Either way, he'd avoid an awkward situation, or worse.

That's enough of a win for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IRL dnp are home!!!!! might skip to that part in the next one, who knows. maybe just one more chapter or two to wrap up the christmas stuff
> 
> hope you enjoyed the fluff and shit


	9. Can Everyone Stop Trying To Be His Wingman? (nah)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> telling people & going home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so it's not New Years in my time zone yet and I'm just waiting for it via writing the end of the Christmas stuff bc I really want to be done with that part of the plot line and move on
> 
> anyway last Christmas chapter + some going home at the end!!!!!
> 
> happy almost 2017 where I'm from but probs 2017 by the time you read this or maybe you're in an even more different time zone than me or reading this years later I really can't say but either way you can maybe possibly enjoy this okay have fun yay

 

He woke up a little better this time, although his neck still hated the feeling of the pillow in this room, and his emotional state was definitely struggling at the lack of Phil.

He grabbed his phone. He'd really stayed in this time, 11:32AM.

As he'd expected, PJ had texted him back, but he wasn't the only one. He had a few other early morning messages from other friends, most likely just wishing him a merry Christmas morning. Because Christmas Eve isn't enough when you're friends are cheesy as fuck.

He opened PJ's first.

 

4:03AM  
PJ: should I tell louise

*missed call from PJ*

4:03AM  
PJ: are you already asleep wow

4:03AM  
PJ: dan

4:04AN  
PJ: dan

4:04AM  
PJ: dan

4:05AM  
PJ: I won't text her without your permission and I want to sleep so when you see this, just know I think you should tell her, too

 

Dan didn't know how to feel, but he decided opening Louise's message next was definitely still the best idea.

 

8:05AM  
Lou: Merry Christmas, Dan! <3

 

Ok, so PJ definitely hadn't told her yet.

He should reply to all of the others before going on a rant to Louise, right? (That is, if he doesn't change his mind about it once he's done.)

He sends Christmas wishes back to all of them, christmas tree emoji's and all.

Tell Louise, don't tell Louise... Could she help? Would she help? Is their combined awkwardness going to somehow fuck this up for him eventually?

 

11:45AM  
Dan: merry christas louise! hey, can I tell you something?

  
Well, too late to go back now.

 

11:47AM  
Lou: Of course, Dan. What is it?

11:47AM  
Dan: im in love with phil and im thinking about trying to tell him in the most subtle way possible

11:47AM  
Lou: I BLOODY KNEW IT!

11:47AM  
Lou: Sorry, but I was expecting it.

11:48AM  
Lou: Oh, Dan, I'm so glad you told me. Is there any way I can help? I could message him myself if you want me to, and make it so I can pretend it's not because of you.

 

Dan sighed in relief. It's not that he's expected Louise to react badly, he was just relived she didn't anyway. (It's hard to explain. You'll get it if you're queer and come out to someone supportive.)

 

11:48AM  
Dan: thankyousomuch louise but it still might be too obvious, and I wanna do it myself anyway, I feel it's better in a way, maybe

11:48AM  
Louise: I just told Cat. I'm sorry! I got exited. Is that bad? I can say it was a joke if you want me to

11:48AM  
Dan: nononono it's fine

11:48AM  
Dan: I probably would have told her afterwards

 

He hadn't planned on doing so, but it wasn't the worst thing in the world either.

 

11:49AM  
Dan: did she react well??

11:49AM  
Lou: She said she was surprised you weren't already dating. She offered to be your wingman, too. I told her I'd handle it and ask instead.

11:49AM  
Dan: well, thanks to cat, but seriously, I don't need a wingman

11:49AM  
Dan: even peej was texting me before I even told him about the crush thing to try and ask phil out, it's like he has some mental connection to me

11:50AM  
Lou: I'm not surprised.

11:50AM  
Lou: Well, I've got to go, but I'm glad you told me.

11:50AM  
Dan: thanks louise. see ya. merry christmas

11:50AM  
Lou: Merry Christmas

 

So now _three_ other people knew.

Okay.

He could deal with it.

He wasn't sure how he felt about it.

Relieved? A little.

Scared? A lot.

It was definitely... a thing. Something. Just... Feelings... he can't explain them. They just are. Things. A thing.

('wow so literate and great dan' let him be, he's trying his best.)

His phone vibrated where he'd put it back in his pocket. Not even a moment of silence.

 

12:03PM  
brother mine: are you ever getting out of your room?

 

Dan chuckled at the name. He'd been in a Sherlock mood and put it there. He needed to change that.

 

12:03PM  
Dan: yeah, coming, gimme a minute

 

He just wanted to send a quick message to Phil. That's all.

 

12:03PM  
Dan: afternoon philly. got any presents yet? I got you something, but you'll have to wait till we're home, eh?

 

And with that message, he let his phone's sound on and put it back in his pocket, wearing a horrifyingly ugly Christmas sweater and heading out into the living room where his brother was sat.

"Have you been texting Phil all morning?" Adrian asked. He didn't even sound sarcastic, just genuinely believed it.

"Nah, I woke up like thirty minutes ago and then texted Louise for a bit." Dan shrugged, "Although I did just text Phil and haven't gotten a reply yet."

"Oh, okay." His brother said, pulling Dan down onto the couch, next to him. "I made you a card."

"A card?" Dan asked, puzzled, "You already gave me one yesterday."

"Yeah, this is something else. His brother said, giving him the folded piece of paper. The outside was completely blank, which is unusual for a Christmas card.

He opened it and was greeted by large, bold black letters that read in what was obviously his brother's handwriting, "TELL PHIL YOU LOVE HIM ALREADY"

"Are you kid-" Dan cut himself off by sighing, putting his head in his hands. "Seriously?" He said as he raised his head back up, glaring at his brother, who was promptly laughing at him.

"I'll help you tell him myself if you want me to." Adrian said in-between laughs.

" _ **Can everyone stop trying to be my fucking wingman?!"**_ Dan whined.

"So you _do_ love him?" Adrian asked, although he didn't sound surprised whatsoever.

" _Yes!_ " Dan almost yelled, "Are you god damn happy now?!"

"Sorry, I didn't know it affected you _that_ much, dude." Adrian said. He sounded apologetic, but it didn't help.

"You didn't kn-" Dan took a deep breath. Getting angry wouldn't help in this situation whatsoever, "Just... Don't tell anyone, okay? I've already told enough people and I don't want Phil to be one of them, at least not yet, and not accidentally by someone who isn't me."

He put a hand on Dan's shoulder to comfort him. Even if he was the much younger one, it kind of helped.

"By the way, I'm serious about my wingman offer," Adrian said with a smirk.

"Oh, for the love of-" Dan shook Adrian's hand off of his and started walking out of the room, "No!"

"Do you have to be dramatic?"

"Yes!" Dan yelled.

"Your drama kid is really showing." His brother laughed.

Dan would love to say he took the mature route to this and laughed at the joke with him.

No.

No he didn't.

He followed his brother around the house quoting Shakespeare for about ten minutes in a row where he was only cut off by his own historical laughter.

He's really that dramatic.

  
~

  
The nights with his family for Christmas had all been amazing, even if he did miss Phil occasionally.

Adrian kept using his feelings for Phil as blackmail, which wasn't fair whatsoever, but it did mean that he could share an embarrassing moment of Adrian's every time he even came close. True sibling war.

Now, he'd packed all his things, said his goodbye, and was on the train to meet Phil back home.

Phil had made it home a bit earlier than him, but not by much. He knew Phil would be waiting for him there at the station, all patient and adorable. Dan couldn't wait.

The ride took a while, but by the time he'd reached home all his tiredness got replaced by excitement.

He stepped out of the train doors, looking around for his tall roommate.

Over six foot tall with amazing, straight black hair, right over there. Yup, not that hard to find.

"Phil!" Dan yelled, grabbing Phil's attention.

Phil's face changed from his neutral expression to a simile so warm it might just melt the ice of Dan's cold, stone heart. They half-walked, half-ran towards each other, enveloping each other in a huge hug once they finally completely met.

'Just a few days' or not, Dan had missed this, and fuck, he was glad to have it back.

Phil is never the one who first lets go of a hug because he knows that sometimes you just really need it, so Dan may or may not have taken advantage of that and they ended up hugging at the station for about a minute straight.

Eventually, Dan let go, laughter bubbling up in his chest. They were so cheesy, it was ridiculous. He didn't care.

He really wanted to kiss him. As they were still facing each other, arms together as he held in his laughter, Phil's face still in that unbelievably warm smile that he only ever really did at Dan, he'd never in his life wanted to kiss Phil more.

Instead he let the laugher take him, Phil laughing with him as they stayed there, probably annoying some people passing by, but he didn't care.

They walked out, Dan rolling his suitcase with him.

He really wanted to hold his hand, but outside decided that shoulder touching was as far as he really should go.

They ordered an uber, sitting together in the backseat as they re-told their address to the cabbie just to make sure.

"I see you had a lot of fun." Phil said.

"Yeah." Dan said absentmindedly. "I did."

Phil linked his arm though Dan's, putting his head on Dan's shoulder. Dan blushed, stiffening a little to make sure that Phil would have a nice place to keep his head rested till they made it home.

The cabbie muted the music, confusing Dan for a moment, before he realised that Phil had fallen asleep. The cabbie must have noticed before him.

"Oh." He whispered, to himself more than anyone else.

"Is it invasive to ask how long you two have been together?" The cabbie asked casually.

"We're not." Dan said nervously, "Together,  
I mean. We're just best friends. Sort of. Something..." He could feel the blush on his face deepening, he hoped it wasn't too visible in the night time.

The cabbie gave him a knowing look, before turning back to the road.

"We've arrived." The cabbie said, not too loud as to not wake Phil roughly, which Dan was thankful for, as he stoped the car.

"Hey, Philly?" Dan said softly, poking Phil in the side.

"Hmm?" Phil stirred awake slowly, yawning a little and smiling, "Oh, we're home."

Dan smiled back at him, "Yeah."

They got out of the car, Dan tipping the cabbie pretty well. He was a nice ride, honestly. Five stars.

They ended up sat on Phil's bed together, watching some Planet Earth 2 documentary about some iguana that Phil almost started crying about. Honestly, tired Phil was even more emotional than normal Phil. Dan couldn't handle it.

He wrapped his arms tighter around him.

'He doesn't like you that way, you know. Stop being like this. It's disgusting, the way you're enjoying his company and he doesn't even know you're in love with him. Keeping secrets from Phil, what's wrong with you?' Played over and over at the back of his mind. He suppressed a sigh.

Boundaries out the fucking window. He doesn't care.

Because, when he was wrapped again in Phil's arms, with the credits of the documentary playing out as background noise, he hadn't slept that well all Christmas. He was glad he could again.

Platonic or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's a wrap for this chapter 
> 
> see ya with more writing in 2017 y'all


	10. What Happens At New Years? (stuff.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Years with dnp with some of Phil's friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally writing some more! following the continuity and it's New Years now! as promised. 
> 
> if any of this seems different from how I usually write, it's because I wrote the first more than quarter-ish of it at 3AM last night and the rest at past 1AM aka right now that I am technically publishing this chapter. 
> 
> have fun from what tired past midnight me provides! it's shit. I think? idk, it's still 1AM me talking right now guys. 
> 
> read the fucking fluff
> 
> form your own opinion

 

  
31st of December. Bring it on.

Usually, they spent their New Years at home, with PJ and some others coming over, but, this year, they'd decided to spend New Years with some of Phil's friends.

Nothing too big, just a little party to celebrate as they watched 2016 die.

2016 had a been a strange mess of emotions. It had been a great year for them, and Dan would remember it for all of the good things that happened, from tatinof, to the photo book for it, to gamingmas shenanigans and so much more, it had all been really fun, but simultaneously all these shitty things had happened to others and other places and it was all just a mess.

But now wasn't the time to think about that. It was time to think about celebration, friends, and ending a long, long year. (all of which is a human concept and technically doesn't exist and nothing really has changed but don't let his existentialism ruin things for you.)

Dan didn't put a lot of thought into an outfit. Usually he'd be the most Nicely Dressed One, but his room was still a mess of clothes because of how much stuff he still had in suitcases from their shows and hadn't fit or just left on the ground (#DanNeedsStorage), so he just got the first nice-looking sweater he could find and put it on.

'Course, Phil looked attractive, as he always did. It was almost effortless a t this point. Dressed in a black shirt and hair looking all nice, glasses on his face instead of contacts because apparently he can read minds and wants Dan dead, because fuck. _Fuck_.

"Ready to go?" Phil said, smiling at him.

Dan took a second to respond because he was still staring at Phil. No shame at this point. (okay, maybe a little, since he made sure phil didn't notice)

"Uh, I... yeah." Dan said, putting his hands in his pockets and turning away, "You look great."

"Thanks, Dan!" Phil said, oblivious to Dan's blush, opening their front door. Alright, this was happening. Party time.

Warm welcomes were exchanged, everyone being happy to see them and vise versa, dressed nicely and looking great. Although they ended up liking their dog better anyway. Sorry, friends.

"So, you want to do anything fun?" Phil laughed.

"What the fuck is fun here?" Dan said.

"I mean, there's this?" Phil said, pointing out some iron beads that they had. Jesus, they were in the house of a fucking _crafter_. Their April fools branding had never been stronger.

"You know what, that's the stupidest fucking thing, and I want to do it." Dan said, grabbing them from him.

Phil laughed, walking away from him. Probably to do better things than be a nerd like Dan. He didn't care. He was determined. Even if he burned himself and even if he had to sift through thousands of beads for the right colours, he did it. He wasn't going to admit how long it took him, though. At least not until tomorrow until he realizes it's not really that important, but for now it's like he if the weirdest person ever for how long he actually worked on this. (hint: hours.)

He took a quick selfie holding his goddamn _masterpiece_.

"You had fun." Phil chuckled, sitting next to him once he saw Dan taking the picture.

"What were you doing?" Dan asked, putting the thing down.

"Mostly hanging out with the dog."

"Oh, good." Dan laughed, "For a second there I almost thought you were hanging out with friends, socialising."

"I was!" Phil said, poking Dan on the side, "And because I was actually socializing, different from you, I know that New Years is in an hour and we want to all hangout together to make sure we're all there at midnight!"

"Alight then, I'm done with this anyway." Dan said, but he did keep the thing he made with him.

Phil wrapped his arm around his, half-leading, half-pulling Dan along with him, who was mostly just surprised at the arm linking in front of everyone thing, but he didn't particularly mind either.

Phil pulled them to the couch near the tv. They unlinked their arms so that Phil could sit in the middle of the couch, but Dan was stuck a bit more in the corner, some of their friends between him and Phil.

"Should we take a photo? It's nearly time anyway." Phil said. Everyone agreed.

In the end, Phil got some great pictures that Dan scrolled with him through, although he saved the one where only he was visible with the dog on him as the one he'd post tomorrow on twitter, that is, if he didn't forget about it.

"Okay, guys, countdown is starting!" One of their friends yelled.

Oh.

Dan had originally planned to tell Phil before that. Wether he'd have reacted well or not would have been something future him would figure out, but now he didn't get the chance to do it.

" _10!_ " They yelled in unison.

Dan tried to shift a little bit closer, but with the people on the couch and Phil at the very middle, it was really hard to do.

" _9!_ "

One of them stood up for the countdown, leaving room for, at the very least, him to sit normally yet as close to Phil was possible. A few numbers passed without Dan noticing as he tried shuffling closer.

" _5!_ "

FIVE ALREADY? Wasn't it nine just a second ago? Shit, it was going too fast. Too many thoughts, nothing makes sense. What was he even doing?

" _4!_ "

He leaned over a little, trying to somehow subtly get Phil's attention. No such thing happening there. Oh my god, fucking _look_ at him at least!

" _3!_ "

He didn't want to touch Phil. He didn't want to make anything obvious. What if he flat out rejected him, how awkward would that be? His heart was pounding in his chest. What should he do? _What should he do?!_

" _2!_ "

Oh, _great_. If he had a chance, he probably blew it, what with Phil still not even noticing him sitting right next to him. He let their knees touch in a not-so-subtle but not-too-obvious way, but still couldn't get his attention for more than a split second of time.

" _1!_ " They all yelled, Phil still not looking at him.

"Happy New Years!" They said, and Dan looked around the room to see all their other friends had found someone to kiss with.

Phil chuckled at his right side, Dan turning back to him only to see the dog licking Phil in the face as Phil laughed.

Oh, _wow_. The fucking _dog_ gets to kiss Phil before he does? _**Seriously?!**_

This was the lamest way this could have possibly gone ever. This was literally... the most _pathetic_ fucking thing to _ever_ happen in his entire miserable fucking _life_.

"Happy New Years, Philly." He said lamely.

Phil finally turned to _really_ look at him, instead of just a quick glance that didn't last long enough for any attention to go to him. He was staring directly at Dan, not breaking eye contact, barely blinking. Dan could have melted. The dog jumped off as quick as it had jumped on them earlier, leaving the two of them to just keep each other company. (and the people still making out around them, but ignore them.)

"Happy New Years." Phil said, smiling wide, turning on the sofa and crossing his legs so he could face Dan better, Dan mirroring him. Phil put a hand on Dan's arm.

Dan leaned closer, unsure of what he was doing.

Should he?

_Should he?_

As Dan got a bit closer, Phil's expression turned to surprise, his mouth opening a little as if to ask something he couldn't think of. The blush creeping into Dan's face was probably the most obvious thing ever.

Phil's expression didn't change. To be fair, Dan had _no_ _idea_ how much time was passing. His thoughts were frantic. It could have just been one second, all he knows is he hasn't said a word and just leaned a little bit more forward, although still not close enough, as he could easily be mistaken for someone about to give a hug.

Was he actually brave enough to do this right now?

  
News flash.

  
He wasn't.

  
Dan leaned more to the side, turning whatever it was he had planned, which he didn't really want to think about because it sent a lot of emotions through him, into a hug. Phil hugged back tightly, burying his face in the crook of Dan's neck, Dan feeling Phil's smile on his skin, sending a chill through his entire body. He could feel Phil's glasses digging into him a little bit, but he couldn't care less.

Okay. That was good, too. Probably less awkward anyway.

Phil, while still in hug position, turned his head up, kissing Dan on the cheek, Dan blushing, although maybe that wasn't too obvious when it's a winter day and you've had a drink or two.

"There, that counts as a New Years kiss, right?" Phil joked, resting his head back down to where it had been.

"Absolutely." Dan laughed, turning to kiss Phil on the cheek as well, but with Phil still in their hug-like position he ended up kissing the top of his head instead.

Oh, dear heart of his, chill the fuck out. Don't freak out. Not right now, when Phil's fucking face and lips and everything is right on the place where he can feel his heartbeat go _insane_.

"It's been a few minutes, we should probably tweet our New Year's tweets, right?" Phil said after a little while of staying in the same, tight-hug position.

"Yeah, yeah." Dan said, loosening his arms from around Phil.

Once they wrote and posted their respective tweets, they put their phones back in their pockets, turning to face each other.

Dan picked up a glass of champagne from the table.

"To 2017?"

"To 2017." Phil smiled. It was the softest thing ever, oh my _god_.

Dan pretty much downed it in a second, barely hesitating to pour himself another.

"You okay?" Phil chuckled when Dan reached the third re-fill.

No, he really wasn't. He almost just decided to fucking kiss you, Phil, but then chickened out and it didn't seem like you had planned to kiss him anyway because of how you avoided him during the entire counting down and then didn't seem to be ready to engage anything at all by how fucking surprised you looked at him leaning just an inch closer. Basically full on-rejected him and you barely realize it, Phil.

Then he got a fucking _cheek_ _kiss_ from Phil for New Years, and he fucking _loved_ _it_ _anyway_ because he's _that_ fucking in love with you, Phil, you goddam idiot.

The pronouns in his head were mixing. He didn't know if he was talking to himself or internally at Phil at this point.  _That is entirely your fault, Phil._

Fuck, he did it again. Fuck it. He doesn't care. Who gives a shit?

Another champagne glass downed.

"I want to start 2017 with a hangover." Dan joked instead, as he almost slammed the glass down to pour himself another.

_And maybe forget he tried to kiss you and fucking chickened out like the most pathetic person ever._

He was pathetic, lame, and couldn't even do a cheesy new year's fanfiction trope when he fucking tried to because he backed out of it.

Would it have been a kiss anyway?  
Was there any universe in which he would have done it?  
Or any world in which Phil would have kissed back?

Highly unlikely, on all of those.

~

They left the New Years party, Phil being mildly tipsy and Dan's mind foggy from all the champagne he'd been fucking _downing_ since the not-kiss thing.

He was thankful for New Years celebration... tradition... whatever. It meant he could totally get away with the... the fuck is it called? Oh, right, being drunk off his fucking ass because of rejection sorrow.

"How much did you even drink?" Phil said, half-concerned, half-laughing as he helped Dan up their infinite amount of stairs.

"Too much, yet never enough." Dan said, leaning into Phil's shoulder.

"You're _that_ exited for 2017?" Phil said, opening the door to his room and putting Dan down on his colourful bedsheets.

"Time is an illusion." Dan mumbled, letting his body fall down on the comfortable mattress. Mmmm.... nice.

What was he even drunk about? Oh, yeah, rejection. _Ugh_.  
What had even happened? He couldn't really think.

"You _kissed_ a fucking _dog_ for New Years?" Dan drunkly chuckled when the memory came back to him.

"Well, the dog licked me, technically." Phil said as he walked closer. Oh, he'd changed into pajamas while Dan had been staring at the roof of Phil's wall. Dan hadn't even realized enough time had passed for that to happen. Huh.

"You're still in jeans, are you really going to sleep in those?" Phil asked, pointing at them.

"You're abso... abosos... totes, right, yeah. I should... change those." Dan stood up lazily, noticeably struggling. Maybe he was drunk, maybe he was an idiot, but zippers are hard and buttons are hard, _okay?_ Okay. Right.

"Just... just let me-" Phil said, shuffling closer and helping him.

If this was a weird position, what with Phil's hands  _literally right next to his crotch_ as he undid the button and zipper of Dan's jeans, neither of them said anything about it, although Dan was smirking, Phil just helping Dan pull off the skinny jeans he for some reason has thought we're a good idea, but leaving Dan's sweater on. It worked as pj's anyway.

"That was... _sexy_." Dan laughed drunkly, laying back down on the bed. He kinda liked it, if he'd admit. Drunk him has no shame.

"Right." Was Phil blushing? Nah. Just tipsy.

Phil lied down next to him, both of them cuddling closer, as they always did, although usually Dan wasn't drunk as hell when they did that. Hell, Phil had drunk a bit, too, but Dan really went overboard.

Rejection on New Years, even 'technically' second-hand rejection because Dan failed to be smooth, it... it sucks. No point to find a better word for it.

If Dan's more flirty, drunk self wrapping his arms around him, resting his head Phil's back and lips just barely touching his neck, his hand rested right on the lower-middle of Phil's stomach... if any of that bothered Phil, he didn't say anything about it. Just stayed close to him, wrapped around each other.

Dan was really, really drunk. And Phil was really, really soft and cuddly. Can you blame him?

Maybe drunk them was a bit more fun.

(even if he seriously regrets life in the morning.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep ending chapters with them cuddling. I don't know why. it's just so precious. 
> 
> as you can guess, I am gonna write more. 
> 
> [dramatic music] ITS. NOT. OVEEER~ YET! 
> 
> anyway it's still past 1AM and I literally just finished that chapter you just read, maybe that explains why it's SHIT. 
> 
> anyway hope you enjoyed that stuff
> 
> also I LIVE for comments so even the smallest thing you liked I would love to see it in a comment I SWOON at any nice comment ever ok bye


	11. Who Was Sick After New Years? (both of them. help them)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a sick philly is a philly dan must take care of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so IRL Phil has been sick since the 1st of January all the way til today, the 7th of January. I'm happy that he's better, really, but his sickness did also give me some 10/10 plot content amirite guys 
> 
> post new years party, sick philly from dog flu, someone help him (dan does) 
> 
> enjoy bc I wrote this pretty quickly and it's probably shit, just like all my other chapters

 

  
Dan woke up with the worst headache in a really, really long time. Like, horrifyingly horrible, as if his mind was actually melting and about to bleed through his eye sockets. He should _not_ have drank so much, oh my god. _Why_ did he even drink so much?

He looked over at Phil, who was still asleep, looking just as precious as usual. Nothing different there.

Oh, _right_. New Years kiss. Rejection. Cowardice. All that shit. He couldn't really remember as clear as he'd like (or maybe it was better that he didn't), he just knows he had wanted to kiss Phil and failed magnificently.

Oh, he was _so_ gonna puke.

Dan slowly released Phil from their cuddling position, kind of missing the warmth, but he also _really_ didn't want to puke all over Phil and needed to go to the bathroom _right now._

After almost slamming the door and possibly releasing all of the champagne from the party into their toilet bowl, he got out, stomach a little better but headache still threatening to get even worse.

What the fuck was even the best thing to do other than, like, drink a shit ton of water? (surprisingly or not, he doesn't get drunk that often.)

After a quick google, he made a small cup of coffee with some ibuprofen and then took some antacids and a ginger pill (that he hadn't even realized he had, but life was giving him some mercy this time.).

He went back to Phil's room to find Phil half-awake, groaning in pain.

"Are you okay, Philly?" Dan said, sitting back down on the bed right next to him.

"Sick," Phil said, turning so he was laying on his back and stared up at Dan, who was now cross-legged on Phil's bed, looking down at his sick best friend.

"I thought you didn't drink that much?" Dan asked/said as he put pushed Phil's hair away from his eyes, barely touching his skin, but just enough to feel how damp he was, "Geez, dude, you're really sweaty."

"It's not a hangover, I don't think." Phil sighed at Dan's touch. Probably helping his headache just a little. Phil sneezed suddenly, surprising the both of them.

"Did the dog kiss give you a flu?" Dan joked.

"Probably." Phil groaned, raising his head up and resting it on Dan's lap, Dan running his finger's through Phil's hair to soothe him a little bit. Phil closed his eyes and relaxed with the hint of a smile on his face, but still wincing and sneezing every so often.

He put his hand on Phil'a forehead again, this time letting it rest there to see if he felt hotter than usual.

"Am I hot?" Phil asked softly.

"Extremely," Dan said, and immediately blushed at how that sounded, "Like, you're actually burning." Okay, that's better.

Phil nodded gently under Dan's hand. Dan let his hand go back up to play with Phil's hair, massaging his scalp.

" _You_ drank a lot, are _you_ okay?" Phil opened his eyes and looked up at him with a concerned look that made Dan's heart do at least fifteen flips at once.

"Well, I did start 2017 with a hangover like I planned," Dan joked, Phil letting out a soft chuckle before sneezing again.

"But really, I'm fine." Dan lied, "I got some coffee and stuff, it's pretty much gone already. You're the one we need to be worried about right now."

He was purposefully ignoring the headache pounding in his head just for the sake of taking care of Phil, who's cheeks had reddened from fever, and eyes barely stayed open as Dan kept massaging his scalp.

"Stay here, I'm gonna get you some pills and shit." Dan said, helping Phil rest his head back on his pillow.

He stayed there for a moment, cross-legged on Phil's bed, right next to him. He really wanted to kiss him. As sick as Phil was, he still did. He didn't yesterday... or... a few hours ago, technically. He didn't know if he wished he had. He didn't need to have started 2017 with Phil feeling awkward around him because Dan had these stupid fucking _feelings_ that just wouldn't go away.

Dan leaned down, kissing the Phil's forehead instead, because he could at least get away with that with only _half_ a heart attack. Phil smiled softly at him, closing his eyes again and resting into his pillow.

Dan swung his feet off the bed, walking out and getting Phil some pills he knew would help, and some coffee, of course. They were both addicted to coffee. (strange how humans normalized addiction to coffee? you still get reliant on it like any drug, yet we normalized coffee? sure, it doesn't have any super bad side effects, but even temporary side effects of boosts of energy still sounds like a drug thing, especially when you start not being able to live without coffee or you get headaches and lack of energy. what was he even thinking about? oh, right. getting phil some coffee and pills.)

When he came back, Phil had already dozed off again, wrapped in his blanket, and glasses hanging strangely on his sleepy face. It made Dan's heart twist in all sorts of ways. (okay he hears you say he's pathetic, he doesn't care. his heart will jump at everything phil does, phil is goddamn _adorable_. and if you say he doesn't cause your heart to do weird things, you're lying. or.... not in love with him... maybe that. maybe he is a little pathetic. leave him alone, okay?)

He put the coffee and pills down on the bedside table, gently playing with Phil's hair to get him to wake up. Phil shuffled a little, opening his eyes looking confused, before noticing it as just Dan and relaxing again, leaning into Dan's touch. (dan is actually having a heart attack. help)

"I got you your coffee and shit." Dan said.

"Thanks, Dan." Phil said softly as he held onto Dan's arm for support to stand up in a sitting position in the bed, taking the things from the table.

"I also got you water, obviously. You... you can't just down pills with coffee easily. Or, I can't, at least."

Phil smiled sleepily at him as he took the pills and swallowed them easily, before taking the coffee again and sipping, making satisfied 'hmm' sounds as he drank it. _Fuck_. He's too precious. This is ridiculous.

"Do you want me to... to make you some s- _soup_ or... or something?" Dan said, trying to ignore the way his heart was freaking out.

"Mmhmm" Phil hummed.

Who even cares about Dan's headache? He was a having an endless heart attack and Phil wasn't making it any easier, but Dan loved it.

"I'm taking those off." Dan said, gently grabbing the glasses Phil had put back on when he'd dozed off the second time, that were now barely at the tip of his nose. He put them down on the bedside table.

"You look great with your glasses on, you know that right?" Dan said.

"You look great when I have my glasses off." Phil joked with no hesitation.

"Okay, _wow_ ," Dan said, "I've been called worse, and _I've_ called _myself_ worse, but I wasn't expecting that from dog flu you."

"I work mysterious ways, Dan." Phil said.

Dan rolled his eyes, once again climbing off the bed to make Phil the soup he promised, which took a while, but it was worth it for his best friend. For Phil. (their cheesiness!!!!! it never ends!!!!!!)

"Are you going to keep being asleep when I bring you things?" Dan joked when he walked back in to see Phil with his eyes closed again.

"I'm just resting my eyes."

"Eat up. Then sleep after." Dan said, giving him the soup.

"Is it made with love?" Phil chuckled.

"All of it." Dan said, blushing, but nonetheless it wasn't stopping him from gently pushing Phil's hair away from his face. Phil smiled. Phil was so red in the face, he must be really, really sick. Poor Phil.

~

"Good thing this didn't happen during gamingmas." Dan said, giving Phil some tea.

His sickness had been going on for _days_. It was the fifth of January, and he was still sick ever since he woke up on New Year's Day. All he'd done since was lie in bed, watch Sherlock, and play Pokémon, as Dan did everything else plus take the best care of him that he could.

Dan hadn't been this concerned for Phil's safety in a _really_ long time.

"But today's still the day I'm supposed to do a liveshow." Phil said sadly, "I promised I'd do one today because I knew I'd be home!"

"Hey, that's not your fault," Dan said, sitting next to him on the sofa crease, "Put that laptop down. Tell twitter you're sick and can't do it tonight, okay? Don't work yourself up about it, it's just a liveshow." Dan put his arm around him.

"Okay," Phil said, resting his head on Dan's shoulder. "I just feel bad."

"You've been sick for five days, Phil." Dan pointed out, "You're in no condition to do shit right now."

"I know, but..." Phil trailed off.

"No buts." Dan said to fill the empty sentence, "If they want some sweet Phil content to fill out the void of no live show today, they can watch the gamingmas videos, which, I'll remind you again, we did _every single day_ and we didn't miss a single one."

"That _was_ pretty impressive." Phil smiled proudly, raising his legs up from the floor so he could put them over Dan's instead. Full cuddle mode engaged.

Dan had caught a milder version of Phil's flu from how much he'd been spending time with him while he was sick, especially since he'd refused to leave Phil to sleep alone just because Phil was sick. He knows Phil, and he knows that he didn't want to sleep alone, just because he feared Dan would get sick as well.

Again, he _did_ get sick, but he didn't let it show. It wasn't nearly as bad as Phil's, so it wasn't as relevant. Phil was more important to him that it. Dan had taken some pills, had some tea as well, he was _fine_.

Dan kissed the top of Phil's forehead as he turned on a movie for the both of them to watch.

 

It's always worth it for Phil.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and there ya go!
> 
> @ all the people leaving nice comments: I love every single one of you, your nice comments give me life 
> 
> this entire fic is just me writing what they're doing IRL and adding dan's crush on phil to it as the plot, so if dnp don't do anything interesting and tweet about it, this fic plot is gunna STRUGGLE, or I'm gonna have to start making shit up lmao 
> 
> anyway I hope you're enjoying my shitty fluff and, yup, THERES GONNA BE MORE
> 
> (im stretching this out so much, I'm so sorry)


	12. Why Does Everything Keep Getting More Difficult? (bc fuk u that's y)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> updating pj and other things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so dan talks to pj again!!!!! 
> 
> I haven't updated in a few days and I felt bad bc it's not like I really had imPORTANT things to keep me busy I was just kinda not writing but hey I got the stuffs 
> 
> if you don't actually like the dan/pj text interactions don't worry I have phan interactions here too 
> 
> have fun
> 
> sorry bc I'm almost 80% sure it's not a very good or creative chapter tbh bc I haven't been writing as regularly as usual 
> 
> anyway hope you like it!!!!!!!!
> 
>  
> 
> does anyone even read these

 

  
Dan woke up, yawning as he opened his eyes. Phil was still asleep, which had really been normal for sick Phil these past seven days. He was a little better, but Dan was still taking care of him.

What time was it anyway?

Oh, 8:54AM. Huh.

Well, he wasn't gonna wake Phil, they've been trying to let him sleep off his illness and it was going okay so far, no need to ruin that now. But, he wasn't hungry or anything either, so he might as well just enjoy the warmth of the bed. Use his phone until Phil wakes up and Dan makes them both some breakfast so Phil doesn't have to do anything and can just rest for as long as he needs.

Actually, you know what Dan hasn't done in a while? Text PJ.

Would he regret to do so again? Probably.

Was he gonna rant to him anyway? Absolutely.

 

_8:57AM  
Dan: hey peej_

_8:57AM  
PJ: wow, you're texting me again, I almost thought you died, your twitter was my only hope of your existence_

_8:57AM  
Dan: needy._

_8:57AM  
PJ: so how's phil?_

_8:57AM  
Dan: he's still sniffling a bit, but mostly fine, I think he's still a little sick but he might be normal by tomorrow if the illness doesn't peak again. I've been really worried about him, I don't know the last time he's been this sick before, and we haven't gone to any doctor or anything because every day we assume it's a cold that's just gonna go away but he just keeps being sick and it just sucks_

_8:57AM  
PJ: damn, it's already the 7th and he's been sick since new years! that's a horrible way to start the first week of the year_

_8:57AM  
Dan: I made sure he was comfortable._

_8:58AM  
PJ: so, dan, did you finally tell him?_

_8:58AM  
Dan: .... that's kind of what I wanted to text you about_

_8:58AM  
PJ: you didn't do it, did you?_

_8:58AM  
Dan: no..._

_8:58AM  
PJ: goddamnit dan_

_8:58AM  
Dan: IM SORRY OKAY_

_8:58AM  
Dan: LOOK_

_8:58AM  
Dan: LISTEN_

_8:59AM  
Dan: I was going to do it before new years but then the countdown came so fast and then after the countdown phil was paying attention to the dog that was licking him and then afterwards I wanted to tell him so I tried to lean in to kiss him but phil made this really surprised and not really that welcoming (debatable?) looking face and I panicked and hugged him instead which was also pretty nice and he kissed me on the cheek and I did too but then I kinda wished I'd kissed him for real and then I drank way too much out of regret and started 2017 with a horrifying hangover but all I've been doing is take care of him because I'm not a horrible friend and also because I'm lowkey in love with him help_

_8:59AM  
PJ: so... you're telling me the **dog** got to kiss phil before you did?_

_8:59AM  
Dan: technically, yes, but that's not the most important part right now_

 

Yes, _please_ bring up one of the most pathetic moments of him fucking life, thanks _so_ much PJ. While you're at it, why not mention fucking _hello internet_ just to watch him suffer???

 

_8:59AM  
PJ: I can't believe a dog is smoother than you_

_8:59AM  
PJ: actually, scratch that, I **can** believe it._

_8:59AM  
PJ: I'm sure **sandpaper** is smoother than you_

_8:59AM  
PJ: or cement_

_9:00AM  
Dan: ok I got the point_

_9:00AM  
PJ: or a brick wall_

_9:00AM  
Dan: can you not shame me in my own home_

_9:00AM  
PJ: I will shame you in outer space if I have to_

_9:00AM  
Dan: rude_

_9:00AM  
PJ: now I know I agreed when you said you wanted this to go smoothly between you two and for you to do it yourself without someone else interfering because you want it to be more natural or whatever but seriously if you don't ask him out I'm going to throw that plan out the window and tell him myself_

_9:00AM  
Dan: you wouldn't dare_

_9:00AM  
PJ: you tempt me more and more everyday_

_9:00AM  
Dan: why are you my friend if you're gonna betray me like that_

_9:01AM  
PJ: drama queen_

 

Dan rolled his eyes, opening the message so it would be marked as ' _seen_ ', then, with no reply, scrolling on tumblr, because he's a petty bitch.

"What are you laughing at?" He heard Phil mumble next to him when Dan laughed at a stupid meme of himself.

"Myself, as usual." Dan said, not looking away from his phone. He vaguely noticed Phil standing up, untangling their legs so that he was stood with his legs crossed right next to Dan, looking over his shoulder and watching him scroll for a little while.

"Our tag? This early? Are you sure you're emotionally ready for that?" Phil joked.

"Yep." If he can live sleeping next to you every night while he's in love with you, he can handle some goddamn phan posts and really horrifying edits, damnit.

"Oh, look, another person freaking out about us looking at each other," Phil said, pointing at one post that Dan almost scrolled past.

"Imagine if they knew how we're sitting right now." Dan chuckled, "They'd actually die."

"We've talked about this before," Phil laughed.

"And we've just gotten gayer since then," Dan laughed after that, though he couldn't help the blush on his cheeks when Phil just smiled and rested his head on Dan's shoulder.

"It's nice."

"What, being gayer?" Dan said.

"Being..." Phil stayed silent for a moment, contemplating the right word,"  yeah, gayer, I guess." 

"Being cheesy as fuck." Dan turned his head so he could look at Phil, just as Phil raised his head up to do the same, leaving them facing each other with only about _half_ an inch between their faces, their noses touching.

There was a moment in which time just stopped for him. Probably not even a second, but he was just processing everything at the speed of fucking light.  
Phil's legs that had gone from crossed to having one over Dan's sometime in the middle of Dan's scrolling, their arms that were touching so that Phil could rest his head until the point in which he raised it which gave them his exact position where all that Dan could feel was Phil right next to him and their noses touching and all he could see was Phil's bright blue eyes staring at him until-

"Um... Right." Phil backed away a little, looking down and frowning.

Dan's heart did that kind of flip that ached in a bad way. The, ' _oh, I was right about this not actually being a good thing, or what I wanted'_ way. He hated that way.

"Are you feeling any better this morning? Since, last night you weren't too bad, as you said." Dan said to ease the tension in the air.

"Mostly, I think." Phil said, looking back up as his frown melted back into a neutral expression that Dan couldn't really read, but it was still better than the frown, "Just a little headache, but I'll be fine."

"Want me to make us some pancakes? Better to just lay down until the headache is completely gone, I don't have the time to take care of you for another full week." Dan joked.

He didn't actually do a lot to take care of Phil to be honest, he just mostly was in hibernation mode and made food any time it would have been Phil's turn to do things. It really wasn't that tiring or exiting. He mostly just wanted Phil to be better for Phil's own sake.

"That would be nice." Phil nodded, laying back down on the bed as Dan climbed off it. Out of habit, he leaned down, kissing Phil on the forehead, freaking out a bit afterwards, but mostly just thankful that Phil didn't flinch away this time, he just smiled.

Dan walked off, gently closing the door behind him.

What the fuck just happened?

He just...

 

_What?_

 

Okay.

 

_Okay._

 

**_Okay._ **

 

He took a deep breath, trying to focus his mind.

 

_Oh, he was such an idiot._

 

And to _think_ he fucking _regretted_ not kissing Phil on New Years to the point he gave himself the worst hangover of his fucking miserable life! He probably saved his own ass by being a nervous wreck, didn't he!?

He rubbed at his eyes. Don't you fucking dare, Dan.  _Don't You Fucking **Dare**._

He really was pathetic, wasn't he?

Thankfully, pancakes take a very long time to make if you're making them for more than one person, and he planned to take every single second of that time to think about what the fuck just happened.

 

_11:34AM  
Dan: peej holy fuck_

_11:34AM  
Dan: I think I fucked up._

_11:36AM  
PJ: what???_

_11:36AM  
PJ: how?? what did you even do_

 

He burned a pancake he'd pretty much forgotten about as he frantically texted all the details to PJ. (he could have summed it all up in "I was about to kiss phil because we were really close but he flinched away and made a really unwelcoming face" but, cmon, ranting when you know you won't be judged for it is more emotionally pleasing. we can all admit that.)

 

_11:40AM  
PJ: that doesn't sound like a phil thing to do at all_

_11:40AM  
Dan: how would you know_

_11:40AM  
PJ: dan c'mon_

_11:40AM  
Dan: DONT C'MON ME OKAY_

_11:40AM  
Dan: THERE ISN'T JUST SOME OBVIOUS THING IM MISSING_

_11:40AM  
Dan: I DIDN'T WANT THIS CRUSH TO HAPPEN IN THE FIRST PLACE AND NOW I PRETTY MUCH KNOW FOR A FACT PHIL DOESN'T FEEL THAT WAY AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO_

_11:41AM  
Dan: sorry, a lot of caps lock, im sorry_

_11:41AM  
Dan: you didn't deserve that, I just... I don't know_

_11:41AM  
PJ: dan, it's fine. really._

_11:41AM  
Dan: I don't want to fuck this up_

_11:41AM  
PJ: you won't._

_11:41AM  
Dan: I don't want to tell him now. not now that I know he doesn't feel that way._

_11:41AM  
Dan: or, at least, he's strongly hinting he doesn't feel that way_

_11:41AM  
PJ: I still think he does, in my opinion. but what matters is you being ready._

_11:41AM  
Dan: okay, don't write like that_

_11:42AM  
Dan: it sounds like you're getting ready to give some cheesy speech about coming out or something. I don't need it._

_11:42AM  
PJ: if im not here to help you then why do you ask me_

_11:42AM  
Dan: just be there. it's all I need._

 

He heard a noise from behind him and put the phone down.

"Phil? I thought I told you to rest your headache?" Dan asked when he turned around to see Phil there with an oversized sweater on, the sleeves pulled so they went over his hands, and sweatpants that were definitely Dan's.

"Hungry." Phil said, grabbing some of the pancakes Dan had already finished and putting them on a plate for himself.

"I'd call it needy," Dan said.

"Sick cravings," Phil shot back.

"Or just impatient."

There was a few seconds of silence, Dan assuming Phil had just sat down by now. He kept on his way, making the next pancake.

Phil poked him in the side, causing Dan to jump back in shock.

"Jesus fucking Christ on a boat!" Dan yelled as he tried to balance himself.

"Oh, come on, Dan, I didn't scare you _that_ much, did I?" Phil said between laughter.

"I thought you'd already sat down to eat you prick!" Dan said, although he couldn't be that angry when all he could think about was Phil laughing in front of him. Years, man. It's been years that Phil's had the same fucking laugh and years that Dan has been looking at it and it still never failed to be the most beautiful thing Dan has ever seen.

Dan really wanted to kiss him. Like, holy fuck. 

Maybe if he just... 

 

Oh, wait.

 

Right.

 

Yeah.

 

Phil flinched back when they were even close to doing it, before Dan even tried to. He wasn't interested. Dan shouldn't push him. That was just a dick move to do. He was a lot of things, but not that.

He went back to focusing on the pancakes.

 

_Why does everything have to be so fucking difficult?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well there ya go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> who knows how long im gonna be slow burning this shit but whoops here's an angstier chapter than usual oh noes 
> 
> @ everyone who is still leaving comments on my shitty fic praising me: im actually dead, im actually dying, thank you so much, you're like the main reason im still writing this and posting it 
> 
> anyway sorry about my writing skill lacking in this chapter bc I suck, as usual 
> 
> see ya next chapter!!!!!


	13. Can Phil Stop Almost Getting Himself Killed? (the year just started, he still has time)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the multiple times phil almost got himself killed feat. dan feels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive been sick all morning since I woke up at like 9:30 (which, btw, I also stayed up really fucking late as well) to now that it's 1:50PM but hey at least I got some fic written eyyyyy 
> 
> I've been gone for like a week, sorry about that, but it's here nowwww. dont know if the wait was worth this chapter 
> 
> how would I know if this is actually good, I feel like death, my stomach is about to devour itself, I don't know anything 
> 
> Anyway Here's Your Fic Stuff Yay

 

  
He didn't know if things were awkward or if Dan was making them awkward.

Once the pancakes had been done and eaten, he'd told Phil that he wanted to finally clean his room and tidy up all the clothes from their tour that he'd still left in suitcases and such. Phil nodded and did his own thing, as Dan left and did just that.

He really took his time, out of either awkwardness or just laziness, or just the fact he had a lot of shit to go through and clean, he didn't really know. But it did take him hours, and by the time he finished it with multiple phone breaks and at least three naps, the 7th had almost turned to the 8th, that's how late it had gotten. (he means it was almost midnight, in not obnoxious prick speak.)

He was so tired, he didn't really care, so they'd slept in the same bed that night, just like every other night. Although with just a little less cuddling, if he were honest.

Still, all Dan could think about the entire night was how Phil had backed away when they were _so close_ to what could have been a kiss to finally end this weird debate in Dan's head on when or whether he should tell him.

Well... it kind of did? End the debate, that is. He wasn't planning on telling Phil anytime soon, that's for bloody sure.

Phil had gotten completely better the day before, so Dan wasn't sure why he felt wrong when he noticed Phil had woken before him and left the bed, leaving Dan to wake up alone.

_It's not that serious, Dan. Get over yourself._

Still, he didn't really want to face him. He'd almost completely avoided him yesterday, so why can't he do it today?

He felt his stomach growl.

 

 _Right_.

 

He needs food to live. That's a thing that humans need. His body doesn't give a shit about his awkwardness unless it's to make him cringe because of it. Cruel body.

"Hey, Phil, have you ma-" Dan gaped at Phil with his leg up, foot on the stove.

"What the fuck are you- _OH MY GOD!_ " Dan yelled when Phil turned on the stove with his foot, almost setting his foot on fire.

Phil screamed and backed away, looking embarrassed when he noticed Dan there.

" _What?_ " was the only thing Dan could say.

"I wanted to see if I could grab the sharpie with my toes..." Phil said as he pointed at a sharpie that was very much still on the stove.

"I... am somehow not surprised." Dan sighed. "Careful, dude."

"Yeah... I would have been..." Phil smiled, pausing his sentence.

"Don't say it." Dan grumbled.

"Phil _is_ on fire!" Phil said, doing finger guns at him.

"Jesus fucking Christ." Dan sighed, "You could have also set fire to our fucking home, Phil."

"Home _is_ on fire!"

"I'm leaving." Dan said, walking towards the fridge to pour some milk for his cereal, then putting it back in the fridge, before walking away to go to his room, "Great timing to have cleaned it! Now I can even eat on the floor!" Dan yelled after he closed the door, just to be petty.

"Have fun!" Phil yelled from the kitchen, laughing at him.

Dan didn't leave his room after that. He just left the empty plate on the piano when he was done.

~

It was sometime after 7PM when Dan heard a scream coming from the kitchen.

Oh, great, what had he done this time?

"Phil, wh..." Dan stopped when he saw Phil trying to turn off the microwave with his leg.

"For the love of god Phil it didn't work the first time why are yo- _**DID YOU PUT A FUCKING FORK IN THE MICROWAVE?!**_ "

"Yes!! I'm sorry I just wanted some pecan pie but I got exited when it arrived and I left the fork and-"

The fork in the inside was literally letting our white-blue sparks, as if it was actually about to explode.

"Your leg can get shocked, too! What the fuck were you doing!?"

Dan got closer to the microwave, feeling Phil lean on his shoulders, which normally would have made his heart skip, but he really didn't care when _their fucking microwave was about to explode._ His heart was beating fast enough already.

"Okay. It's off." He said, feeling Phil sigh and rest his forehead on Dan's shoulder.

"I'm sorry." Phil mumbled.

Dan turned his head to look at him, "Are you _trying_ to get yourself killed?"

Phil raised his head up, letting his chin rest at the end of Dan's shoulder, them being once more in the same half-an-inch-away position they had been yesterday, only this time, with more neck cramps as Dan turned his head strangely just to keep looking at him.

"No. I'm just..." Phil trailed off, looking at him.

"Not thinking right?" Was Dan talking about Phil or himself, the world would never know.

"Yeah." Phil mumbled, looking down and raising his head up so it wouldn't be on Dan's shoulder anymore.

Dan turned so they'd be face to face, instead of the weird neck-cramp he was giving himself, but they still weren't too far away, although they weren't as close as before either. He would have considered it a normal distance in their level of comfort as friends if it weren't for the pounding of his stupid fucking heart that wouldn't leave him alone.

' _Is something wrong? Am I making you uncomfortable? What are these weird ass signals you're giving? Are you even giving any at all or am I just being a dick and reading too much into this?_ ' were all questions that rolled through Dan's mind, but he didn't say any of them out loud, just kept looking at his best friend, who was looking right at him, both of them silent.

They didn't stay like that long. Just enough that Dan from a few months ago would have called it a comfortable silence. 'Course, crush-ridden Dan didn't know _what_ to call it. A slow murder of his weak heart. A cruel pause to see how fast life can make his heart go without forcing him to run. The slowest possible death.

Phil turned away from him so he could open the microwave, hesitantly taking the food as if he worried it could still shock him, and moved away from Dan, sitting down on the table without saying a word.

  
Okay?

  
_Okay_.

  
_**Okay**_.

  
Phil pulled out his phone and typed something, before laughing.

"I just tweeted about what just happened. I think they'd find that funny."

Dan pulled out his phone and checked. Yes, he had notifications for when Phil tweeted. You think he's ashamed? No.

"Wow." He sat down on the table, opposite to Phil so he could face him better, "And I think _I_ need to shame you. You do that to yourself."

Phil chuckled.

"I got you one, too." Phil said, pointing at his pie, "If you're hungry. It's in the fridge."

"Oh, sweet." He said, standing up again, "I won't almost electrocute myself like you did, though."

"Shhh, let's forget that happened."

"You just tweeted about it, the internet won't let you forget that happened." Dan pointed out.

"Fair enough."

Once he had his pie warmed up, he sat opposite to Phil again and they went right back into their natural, irrelevant banter. He didn't even know _himself_ what they were talking about at that point. What _weren't_ they talking about.

"So, I was wondering, Dan..." Phil trailed off.

"What?"

"Is something wrong?"

Dan almost choked on the bite he had in his mouth. He tried to play it off. He probably still looked like he choked. Whatever. "What do you mean?" He said, as casually as he could.

(flashbacks to pj's texts about him being about as smooth as a brick wall. thanks peej. he really should have texted Louise about it instead. she would have been a mom about it, instead of a judge-y friend.) (a judge-y friend is actually what he needed, dan just didn't realize it)

"I... it.. it's nothing serious!" Phil stuttered, "Sorry if I'm reaching or... or things... I just noticed that you've been spending a lot more time by yourself than usual. Are you avoiding me? Did I say something? Or did something happen and you just want time alone or something and haven't told me and I just... just wanted to make s-sure that it's nothing that... um..."

"Phil."

"I just... I just really hope I'm not reading into that too much? Maybe you just wanted alone time. I shouldn't have brought it up." Phil said, blushing, "It was just these last few days anyway it's not like it was a lot of them just enough that you'd do that and I probably over-reacted a bit and..."

"Phil, I'm _fine_." Dan lied.

"Really? You didn't even sleep that much yesterday..."

"I have sleepless nights sometimes, it's normal, you know that." Dan did the thing, placing his hand over the one Phil had rested on the table, "I just... I don't know. Just felt like it. It's nothing."

"Right." Phil was looking directly at the hand Dan had placed over his, making Dan blush raise his hand up so it was hovering over Phil's instead, about to pull away, but Phil just smiled at him and held his hand, now their fingers intertwined instead of just hand-over-the-other.

Externally, Dan showed no signs of noticing this at all, but internally, his heart was beating fast enough that if it were biologically possible it would probably be able to jump out of his chest and run a fucking marathon without the rest of him. (that means it was beating very fast in not obnoxious prick speak.) (what a drama queen. honestly, dan.)

"Okay." Dan said.

"So, definitely no bad stuff?" Phil asked.

"Nope. No bad stuff."

The hand holding made eating the rest of the pie a bit more difficult, but if you think that was gonna stop him from holding hands with Phillip motherfucking Micheal Lester, you are absolutely wrong my friend.

"Actually, there is one bad thing." Dan said once he finished his pie.

"What?" Phil said worriedly.

"You keep almost getting yourself killed. You're going to give me a heart attack, Phil."

"Sorry." Phil mumbled, "I'll... um... try to... um... get myself killed... _less_?"

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Good." Dan said.

~

It was only two days later that they found out they had a gas leak for at least a year in their hallway.

So much for not getting themselves killed.

"Oh my god, Phil. We have so many scented candles! We could have literally died at any moment if we'd decided to put them there! _Do you know the fucking chances that we didn't put candles there, Phil?!"_

"How fitting would it have been if I died today, on houseplant appreciation day, because of scented candles?"

Dan just stared at him. _How is Phil so chill right now???_

"Dan, breathe. We didn't die, they'll fix it now." Phil said, who somehow was acting rationally and also way too calm in this situation, "A guy is coming here to talk to us about the pipe and fix it."

"Well, Philly, you're gonna have to do that stuff yourself." Dan said, "I have live show shit to do."

"You're gonna let me do the adult stuff by myself? I don't know what I'm doing!"

"Sorry, Phil!" He said, walking away and into his room to prepare his laptop as Phil just stood there, staring at him. The doorbell rang not a second later, and Phil sighed as he went to it, Dan chuckling as he turned back to his laptop.

 

~

 

The liveshow went like any other, although this time it was also with the added shame of the fact that the man in their house could probably hear him talking and thought he was just some weirdo talking to himself, which was by far one of the things he'd hated the most about when he was in school. He was about to cringe so much he actually could have turned into a black hole of shame.

Thankfully though, by the time it was over, the man was gone, and he was never questioned about it. Life saver, right there.

"I can't believe you let me do that by myself!" Phil whined, pushing Dan gently.

It wasn't a hard push at all, but Dan, not having expected it, ended up falling against the wall, mostly out of shock than anything else, staring at Phil who was looking right back at him.

Now, he doesn't know if you've ever been in this situation, but mind you, it's hot as shit. Especially for someone like Dan. What even the fuckity fuck.

His mind was thinking too fast. Why was he still staying in this position, with his back to the wall?

Was Dan blushing? He might be. He needs to stop. Oh, god. Fuck, he hasn't said anything yet, that's the most suspicious thing ever! Fuck, _fuck_ , fuck, **fuck** , _fuck, fuck, fu_ -

He gathered himself up, now no longer rested to the wall, and laughed as genuinely as he could.

"You left me in a state of shock for a second there! I wasn't expecting violence from you, who are you, Phil?" Okay that doesn't sound too bad why not let's roll with it ahahahahaha ha someone kill him please why is he so awkward the guy he loves just pushed him against a wall that was hot it wasn't meant to be why is he like this help.

Phil looked confused for a second but laughed with him. "Never do that to me again! I didn't know what I was saying to him."

"I wouldn't have either, now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna get some leftovers for dinner and go the fuck to sleep."

"I'll join you later. Not tired."

 

By the time Phil had joined him, Dan had already been asleep.

Probably saved himself from a lot of awkwardness, to be honest.

He didn't know what he was doing anymore. He just wanted everything to go back to normal.

 

This unrequited love thing was way too complicated.

 

Why was his life this way?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well that's a thing isn't it 
> 
> yep still more to come can you believe I'm the worst slow burner ever 
> 
> anyway @ everyone STILL LEAVING COMMENTS: why. why am I that important to you. I don't deserve to be blessed with your nice words. you're giving me life. 
> 
> anyway next chapter coming idk when but we'll see and maybe I'll finish this fic soon bc school stuff is gunna happen and whatnot but WE'LL SEE Y'ALL


	14. Can You Believe They're Cheesy As Shit? (most of this is canon cheesiness y'all)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry Potter and Dinner and Sherlock and Stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm baaaaaaaack!!!!
> 
> sorry for my absence I was sick for a few days then I didn't feel like it and then school and stuff and just it's here now again just pay attention to that k 
> 
> as always, this chapter is as shit as all the others
> 
> enjoy

 

Okay so maybe he'd gotten just a tiny little bit whatever something blush he doesn't want to admit the word for it from Phil pushing him against a wall it's whatever he's over it it's not important anymore and he's not thinking about it it's fine leave him alone okay.

 

Okay.

 

He needed to avoid him. _Badly_.

  
Make a video. A fucking foolproof plan.

The meme one he'd been planning! Well,,, _planning_. More like, everyone wanted him to do it and he wasn't sure he should, but, he might as well now, so... perfect timing. He was definitely not gonna regret this.

Probably.

 

~

 

Well... he didn't know if regret was relevant or not.

The weekdays in which he'd spent frying his brain on the meme video was really getting to him. He was in this constant mood of frustrated, laughing, and just really tired. Probably why he started actually crying from both laughter and exhaustion and cringe, _and_ just generally not having expected it when Hello Internet came on in that last joke... haha... ha. _People live off his pain. Why can't that video die already._

Just... his brain was a bigger mess than usual. Best way to explain it.

But it was better than thinking about Phil.

'Course, there was one thing that could fix his mind fuck. If only a temporary distraction...

  
"Wait, so how long is this going to take?"

  
They had already gone to see La La Land, so what better than to have planned for today, only a few days later, to go to see Part 1 and Part 2 of the play for The Cursed Child together, which, by the way, was amazing opportunity to have at all, and a noyce time back in the Harry Potter universe. The geek inside of him was alive on so many levels.

Sure, he still was in that what-the-fuck-is-going-on-with-his-feelings-for-Phil mood now that he didn't have endless filming and editing to distract him slash use as an excuse to never be near Phil ever, but he could ignore it for a while as he enjoyed some goddamn Harry Potter. Determination, through the fucking roof.

(keep telling yourself that, dan)

  
"We get there at roughly past midday for the first part, then there's part two on the same day, I think just a few hours after, so I don't know how long we'll stay."

"Guess we'll figure that out when we get there."

(turns out, it was a long ass time. not like dan really minded all the Sweet Harry Potter Content™)

  
"Part one, here we fucking come!" Dan said as he sat down, Phil sitting right next to him, not like everyone didn't already know he would. It was like an instinct to them at this point. If there aren't two seats empty, there might as well be no seat there at all. They never take seats alone.

The watching experience had been amazing. He did think the time travel plot was a bit pointless and cheesy, but the dialog and the characters, he was so deep in this shit already. The immersion of it all. Out of this world.

One thing that was also unforgettable, every time a joke was made, no matter how cheesy, the actors did it brilliantly, everyone laughing.

After jokes, Dan would always look over at Phil, and he'd be looking over, too, with his absolutely endearing in every way laugh with the little tongue thing and the wrinkles and the all of it.

It was the most heart-speeding thing ever. (he is very much highkey loving of Phil's laugh, is anyone surprised whatsoever?)

He's not the one to be cheesy... ok, not even _inner him_ believes that, but still.

I mean, c'mon. They spent the whole play sharing their pick and mix, the breaks showing each other videos and photos of dogs on twitter, and just... so much more cheesy shit. It's who they are. It's ridiculous. Dan loved it.

 

"So what did you think of it?" Phil asked, smiling widely as they walked out the theatre. It had gotten pretty late, roughly sometime past 8PM now.

"Tatinof had a more exiting ending. Scorpius is my patronus. Him and Albus are my new otp. The deaths in the evil alternate universe destroyed me. And my ass hurts from sitting that long." Dan said. "But the actors were fucking incredible. And the magic was done really, _really_ well for a show that's done live on stage, a lot more impressive than I expected it to be."

Phil laughed suddenly. Not a big laugh, as if someone had said a joke, but... a fond one? A soft one. He doesn't know how to call it. One you'd do if you were laughing at a friend. _Oh, Phil's laughing at him!_ That... would explain it.

"What?" Dan said, smiling confusedly at Phil. Why was Phil... What did Dan _say_?

"You're cute when you're rambling." Phil said casually, continuing to walk. The smile on Phil's face never wavered.

"Oh." Dan said, blushing. Oh, okay. That's... That's a thing.

What the fuck. Since when does Phil say he's cute?? And for the stupidest shit too??? What???? _What?????_

"So I was thinking dinner before we go home? We could stop at one of the places for maybe half an hour of dinner and make it home in time for the Sherlock finale." Phil said after a while of silence.

"Uh... sure." Dan said as he nodded absentmindedly. He still hadn't really processed Phil calling his rambling _cute_. Phil was domestic and nice and whatever, but, where the fuck did _that_ come from? If crush-ridden-Dan had said it, sure. But Phil????

(dan.exe has stopped working)

 

He rubbed his face. Not like it would really help chill the blush that was roaming everywhere, out of his control, but he did it anyway.

God, Dan, it's not even that dramatic. You've just been avoiding him a lot and now his usual behavior is surprising, that's all. Fucking "cute", really? That's what is raising his heart rate? Geez, dude.

"Wow, this place is _full_ of gay bars. Can't go there, phandom would explode." Dan said as he looked at a map for the closest places to eat. (they were both bisexual, it's not like going to one was something they wouldn't _ever_ do, before you ask why the phandom exploding is the relevant part of it. he knows his goddamn priorities.)

"Oh, come on, there's a non-bar place to eat right there." Phil said, grabbing his arm and pulling him towards it.

"I am being pulled." Dan said, pointing out the obvious in an attempt at sarcasm. (when did his humour turn so dry all of a sudden? well, shit, what do other people find funny anyway? other than laughing at him for all his mistakes, of course. everyone finds that funny, as it seems.) ( _meme video flashbacks_ ) 

"See?" Phil said, opening the door to a quite nice looking but not that formal either place for some food.

"Wow, Phil Lester taking me on a date, what a world." Dan joked, "Who would have thought this day would come?"

"This isn't-" Phil chuckled, "Just sit down and order, Dan."

He ended up ordering some pasta that he barely payed attention to, since all he could focus on all dinner was his conversations with Phil. It felt a lot like a date.

Not awkward like a first date, fuck no.

But like... One that was going extremely well. A nice one, with someone you love.

Which... wasn't too off, in all honesty. Other than Phil didn't. Not that way.

Phil laughed again, this time at a joke Dan made, and Dan was just completely _lost._ He's not even in this world anymore. His soul has detached and he's having an outer-body experience. No better explanation ion. The only thing that existed for him right now was the sound of Phil's uncontrollable laughter at Dan's stupidness.

Maybe he should tell him.

Nice dinner, good mood, in public so at least Phil won't freak out too much. The most dramatic thing that could happen, at least for now, would be Phil walking out. Then he'd only have to deal with the rest of the discussion about it at home, but at least Phil would have time to process it or whatever. Or... maybe just Dan doesn't want to think about it and forcing it to be a problem for future Dan is the only thing he can do.

Future Dan usually hates everything past Dan decides to push on him, since past Dan should realise that future Dan is the same fucking person, but it's a temporary delay of having to deal with things. (and he needs to stop doing it tbh)

Dan opened his mouth to say something, anything, whether it be a confession or just something to get Phil's attention that he'd chicken out of. Whatever. A slog was he tried something it could work.

"I-" Dan started, but was cut off by Phil, who obviously hadn't noticed Dan had even tried to start talking. (dan didn't blame him. with how quiet dan had been, dan wouldn't have noticed either for they'd switched places.)

"We should get home, Sherlock is going to start soon, I don't want to miss it." He said.

Dan sighed internally. Sherlock was something he really wanted to watch, too, but, _fuck_ , what horrible timing.

Dan looked at the time on his phone, "Oh, shit, that passed really damn fast."

"We got distracted." Phil said simply.

Dan looked up at him silently as Phil reached into his pocket, taking out the money and putting it down where Dan had put his half. (they decided to split the bill this time. quite possibly the least interesting decision ever. cmon, they've known each other for _years_ , did you really think they'd have some big back and forth argument about this _just_ for you to laugh at them? nah)

"Yeah." Dan said, not looking away, "Distracted."

"Come on, we have a show to watch."

  
~

  
He ended up being a bit disappointed with the Sherlock ending, which he'd later also mention in his next live show, but not get into too much detail. Because the Sherlock fandom is insane.

Still, with Phil sitting next to him, snuggled up and warm after a Harry Potter play and a nice dinner together, drinking tea as they watched the Sherlock episode progress and get weirder and whatnot, all his complicated feelings just melted into their usual feeling...

 

Comfort.

 

Comfortable silence.

 

He was gonna tell him. Soon.

But not tonight.

He didn't want to ruin this.

 

Not tonight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (stuff confirmed by people that were there that they actually fuckin did, I didn't make it up for plot: sharing pick and mix, looking at each other every time they laughed during the play, showing each other dog videos on twitter, going to dinner after the show in an area full of gay bars) (amazing honestly) 
> 
>  
> 
> SORRY THIS WAS SHORTER THAN USUAL YET ALSO TOOK SO LONG IM SORRY 
> 
>  
> 
> anyway comments are extremely appreciated I keep checking them every day even on the days I don't update I check to see if anyone updated bc you guys give me life with them 
> 
> I might update sooner this time??? no promises, school stuff WILL keep my busy a lot so we'll see 
> 
> hope you enjoyed y'all


	15. Spite? (um)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in spite of his fear, Dan wanted to tell Phil. 
> 
> can he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM BAAACK
> 
> the GRAND FINALE! sorry it took long but this is also over 4500 words so I can't be too disappointing can I?
> 
> anyway it here and it the end y'all 
> 
> for the last time, I hope you enjoy my shitty fluff! the sweet release after obnoxious slow burn

 

  
Telling Phil was the last thing he wanted to do. Ever.

 

So... that's exactly why he's gonna do it.

 

Spite is one hell of a motivator.

 

Look, the thing is... when he first saw Phil online, he'd been super busy, and had almost decided that he didn't really have the time to get invested in some new content, and had almost decided not to watch him, but he did. Out of spite of all the shit he had to do.

Once he'd started watching Phil's youtube videos and getting really invested in them and him, every bone in his body told him that following Phil on everything and pretty much being a half stalker was just weird and not something he should do. But he did it anyway. Out of spite.

Once he'd started... getting... _interested_ in him, Dan had thought that trying to message Phil would probably be pointless, and that he'd just get lost in all the other comments, but he did it anyway, and quite obsessively. Because spite.

Moving in, dropping out of college, moving again to London, every single time he'd always think about every bad thing and everything that could go wrong, but out of spite, he did them all anyway, and he'd never turned out happier.

  
To put it all in short, doing stupid shit with and for Phil, out of spite of everything that cloud have gone wrong, has given him everything.

 

It's given him...

 

Family?

 

Yeah. Family.

 

Phil is his family.

 

Hell, when they'd first moved in together, they'd been pretty poor, youtube wasn't getting them that much yet, but they went through it all and are now here, together. They are even thinking of moving in somewhere bigger... _together_.

Fuck... all of this stuff is making it even scarier to tell him.

 

But, hey... _spite_?

 

Oh, man, this was gonna be such a mistake. Or at the very least, a huge mess. He can already tell.

He sighed, opening his door and taking another deep breath as he walked to the kitchen where Phil was making some food for them.

"Hey." Dan said, swallowing down the lump in his throat. It didn't help the nervousness. At all. He leaned onto the counter so at least he wouldn't fall from his feet failing him.

"Hello." Phil said happily, without looking up from what he was doing.

"I... I'm..." Dan started, trying to build up his courage. "I... uh..."

"Did you forget what you wanted to say?" Phil chuckled, still not looking at him.

"I... kind of, yeah." Dan sighed. "I'm... gonna go build that terrarium I bought! That's... that's what I wanted to say."

"Should I bring you the food to your room later then?" Phil asked, apparently not having noticed Dan's nervousness yet. Probably best that Phil was focused on not ruining their food.

"Yeah." Dan smiled forcefully, even though Phil wasn't looking at him anyway, "Exactly."

He left as quickly as possible, shutting his door behind him.

"Fuck." He muttered under his breath. "FUCK!" He said again, louder this time, but apparently not loud enough for Phil to get concerned. (although, if you lived with dan, would you really be surprised to hear random yelling or swearing? like... would you really?)

  
He might as well build that fucking terrarium and chill his heart rate a bit.

He picked up the box he'd left on his piano after it had been delivered earlier that day. He opened it, putting all the contents in it down and getting to work.

 

~

 

The amount of work he'd put into that thing was probably excessive as hell, but hey, he'd made the most gorgeously aesthetic thing ever. No regrets whatsoever. (plus, it got his mind away from phil for a little bit.) (and his heart rate was definitely chill now, thx for asking)

He hanged the little ball of aesthetic up, smiling at his work.

 

However, this happiness didn't last that long, because _just_ as he had put it up, the rope _snapped_ and the entire terrarium went down with it, the glass shattering completely, and the sand he'd delicately poured before was now spilled all over his floor. Every single decoration and string and little detail he had put into it had fallen, some lost, some right in front of him, broken or just scattered, mocking him and his failure.

He stared at the broken terrarium in complete silence.

You know that feeling when you do something to fill that void in your emotions and it makes you happy for a while before that euphoria dies away and you're left with that feeling of sadness and just general emptiness? Yeah, that was him.

...With the added emotional and physical exhaustion of how long he'd actually spent on it.

 

just...

 

why?

 

Why does he even _try_ doing this shit _ever_ , oh my _god_.

 

It was just then, _just fucking then_ , that Phil came in, Dan still on the floor, staring at his ruined creation.

Dan turned to look at him, completely silent for a few seconds, before he just started _laughing_. Like, full-on, chest pain and watery eyes laughter, Phil standing there surprised for a moment before starting to laugh with him.

He didn't know if it was actually funny, or if he'd just been ripped of a thing he was half-emotionally-attached-to so suddenly and horribly that the void in his chest needed laughter to fill it's empty remains.

But, either way, they were there laughing for a long fucking time.

At some point, Phil had sat down next to him, going quiet, looking at the terrarium, then back up at Dan, and it was only seconds later they were laughing again, now both on the floor with actual tears in their eyes.

He didn't know if this was more stupid than the last time they'd had a laughing fit about a stupid verbal slip up Dan had, but that's not gonna stop them.

Dan rested his head on Phil's lap where Phil was sat cross-legged on the floor, both still laughing, clutching at this stomachs that had started actually _hurting_ from all of it.

Sobering up probably took them about an hour. They seriously needed help. Their sense of humor is so fucking stupid. How old even are they? Five?

Phil was gonna be 30 in two weeks! And, yet, here they are, laughing their respective asses off because Dan broke a fucking terrarium.

Although, it was more because Dan was a pathetic shit than about the broken terrarium, but still.

He took a deep breath, still letting out some giggles as he tried to calm himself down. Phil, who's already stopped laughing just a bit before him was now looking down at Dan with a smile still plastered all over his face.

They were still in that position where Phil was cross-legged, Dan laying on the floor with his head on his lap, except now they weren't clutching their stomach's in pain and laughter, just looking at each other, wide smiles never leaving their faces.

"We're literally the most giggly fucking idiots." Dan said, his voice croaky from the laughter, "Like... why."

Phil shrugged.

Dan wanted to kiss him.

Well, he always did, didn't he? But that didn't mean it was ever any easier to stop himself from doing it. Not any easier to avoid the feeling.

Just... never feels like the time. He shouldn't.

"Dan..." Phil started, but trailed off, noticeably in thought.

"Yeah?" Dan asked, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. What's up with him?

"I... Our dinner is getting cold!" He said finally, urgently.

Oh, okay.

"In our hour of laughing, I think it already _is_ cold, Philly." Dan pointed out.

Phil nodded, "I should go heat it up."

"You do that." Dan said, raising his head up and off his lap so that Phil could stand.

"Do you want to come, or...?"

"Yeah." Dan got up so now he was just sitting on the floor, "Yeah, I'll come. Let's have dinner." He grabbed Phil's hand to help him up, and they walked with hands still held to their kitchen.

 

Spite be fucked, he'll tell him another day. (although technically he's not doing what he said he'd do out of spite out of spite of the fact he said he'd do it out of spite? um... what?)

 

~

 

Dan woke up to the familiar feeling of Phil's arms wrapped around him. Little spoon'ed again. What a surprise.

They really needed to stop sleeping in the same bed. It really didn't help reduce Dan's feelings. It magnified all of them. Immensely. (and by all feelings, he means ALL feelings.) (ifyouknowwhathemeans) (*cough*) (ok) (he'll stop)

He picked up his phone and immediately started texting.

 

9:51AM  
Dan: I want to tell phil before his birthday

 

He sighed as he waited for a response, which didn't take too long.

 

9:56AM  
PJ: finally decided eh? 17th of january today, his birthday is on the 30th. you gave yourself quite some time.

9:56AM  
Dan: yeah. and I need a favour.

9:56AM  
PJ: k?

9:57AM  
Dan: if I don't tell him by then, personally come here and punch me in the face

9:57AM  
PJ: violent, but you have a deal

9:57AM  
Dan: I also wanted to ask how you think I should tell him, but I thought I should get that out of the way first

9:58AM  
PJ: there's no real right or wrong way to do it, dan. just, calm or dramatic. you COULD jump out of a cake with "I LOVE YOU" written on your chest in rainbow colours, or, you know, just sit him down and tell him outright, the boring way

9:58AM  
Dan: im gonna buy him a cake

9:59AM  
PJ: wait seriously

9:59AM  
Dan: not the one to jump out of, im not THAT dramatic. just,,,, a small early birthday cake or some desert or whatever.

9:59AM  
PJ: well, knock yourself out, then. I'm rooting for you

10:00AM  
Dan: thanks peej

10:00AM  
PJ: I mean, I've been rooting for you to stop being a repressed nerd (because I believe he loves you) for at least two months but, hey, take your time

10:01AM  
Dan: I've really been tempting that punch I just invited you to give, haven't I?

10:01AM  
PJ: lil but

10:01AM  
Dan: sorryboutthat

10:02AM  
PJ: I finally know what it's like to be part of a slow burn fanfiction, IRL. and I'm ready for murder

10:02AM  
Dan: you're breaking the fourth wall of another universe in which we ARE fanficion

10:02AM  
PJ: I thought you didn't believe in that

10:03AM  
Dan: ... I try to make a joke,,, and yet

10:03AM  
PJ: well, in that case, if phil says he doesn't love you I'm calling bullshit on this fanfic scenario

10:03AM  
Dan: speak of the devil, I think phil's waking up, text you later

 

He put the phone down and turned to Phil, who, as Dan had guessed, was already half-awake, stretching his arms out (that he'd removed from around dan at some point that he hadn't noticed?) and yawning.

"Morning." Phil said as he smiled sleepily when he noticed Dan looking at him.

"Morning, Philly."

"What day is it?" Phil asked in-between another yawn.

"Tuesday. 17th." Dan said, only knowing the date so automatically because of PJ.

"Live show tonight?"

"Yup."

"Can you make breakfast? I'm really tired..." Phil said, wrapping himself up with their blanket, leaving none for Dan.

"Sure, you needy shit," Dan said as he got up, kissing Phil on the forehead, which earned him another one of those Genuine Phil Smiles He Only Did At Dan™ that never failed to give Dan a Genuine Fucking Heart Attack™.

He jumped off the bed like the overdramatic shit he is and left the room, closing the door _gently_ behind him. Because only assholes slam doors to be dramatic.

 

Liveshow tonight. He probably shouldn't tell him today. If Phil rejects him, Dan really doesn't know how he'd do the liveshow without being awkward or just being obvious that he's upset and just... no.

("But Dan!!! What if he says yesss????" look, he's not gonna risk it, _okay??_ leave him be.) (plus, you fuckers would probably notice if he was happier than usual, too.) (he can't win doing it today.)

 

~

 

18th of January. Still no confession. Still some time, though.

They did do that joke on twitter with the filters on that meitu app, with Dan calling Phil senpai to literally millions of people on twitter, but that was a joke that they didn't even acknowledge online _or_ IRL afterwards.

Plus, no matter how many jokes and flirtations and shit he made while they were playing games for some more gaming vids, Phi never got it, so it's not important, nor counts as confessing.

But, hey... he still has time?

 

~

 

Shit, it's the 20th of January, exactly a week before Phil birthday, and he still has no fucking idea what he's doing.

Sure, the "do it before Phil's birthday" was an unfair timer to set on himself and he should do it when he's ready yaddayadda but hey... spite?

(new game: take a shot every time dan has said "spite" in the past few days.) (alcohol poisoning for everyone!!! wheee!!!)

 

~

 

Okay when the _fuck_ did the 21st come so damn fast??

Okay... think, Dan. _**Think**_.

The conversation with PJ. It was fucking genius. How about he just go to the bakery, get some cake or desert or something, and then during Phil's good mood, then he can tell him!

(and even if Phil rejects him, hey, at least they have cake?)

It was a foolproof plan. Nothing could go wrong.  
  
Unless life is taking his spite route as well. (*takes shot*)

But that's not _that_ likely... is it?

(he is staring life down and he is _Ready To Murder.)_

 

~

 

Night time. _**Night time.**_

 

They'd gotten the stuff from the bakery near them, all for what he'd told Phil would be a nice movie night, watching TV on their couch and eat some dessert, what could possibly go wrong?

They got the most adorable, aesthetically pleasing, tiny, polar bear cakes and he was so ready for it.

He took a quick picture of the unopened box, sending them to PJ captioned nothing but ";>". He'd get what Dan meant.

(PJ had later sent back "about time.", but dan, of course, wasn't there to see it.) (you're a shit friend, dan.)

Phil sat on the sofa, dressed in pj's, glasses on, hair a mess, holding a coffee to go with their cakes. His true form.

Phil wrapped their blanket around himself, waiting for Dan to sit with him. He put the box down on one corner of the sofa, sitting down next to Phil and getting cozy before picking it back up and opening the box of cakes, putting them on their respective plates.

"They're so cute!" Phil said, smiling as he took his.

"Mine's nose fell off." Dan pointed out, looking at the nose part of the polar bear cake that was still very much in the box.

"Just stick it back on, can't be too hard."

Dan shrugged, gently placing the nose back in place.

But, of course, since life wants nothing but pain for him, he ended up doing it a lot less "gently" than he'd meant. i.e. He just fucking ruined the front of his cake that was now caved inwards, one of the eyes having fallen down as well as a cherry on top to all of it.

"Shit!" He yelled, a concerned Phil looking over Dan's shoulder and laughing at the mess Dan made of what was supposed to be a precious cake.

Just when he thought life couldn't fuck him over anymore than it already had,,,,

"You know what? I'm tweeting this." Dan said determinedly, taking the nice looking cake right from Phil's hands. He put them both on the sofa arm rest next to each other and started tweeting them, Phil taking his back as Dan finished making the tweet.

Once Dan turned back, he saw that Phil had almost eaten the whole thing by the time he'd finished.

"Phil! We were supposed to eat these with coffee as we watched TV!"

"Sorry, I thought you'd be answering people on twitter for a while and I couldn't wait."

"Well, I might as well _now_ ," Dan said, picking his phone back up.

FUCK. Fuck _Fuck_ **Fuck** _fuckfuckfuck_. _**FUCK**_.

And he was really gonna do it this time, just as they ate the cakes together he'd tell Phil and it would have been great, but nooooo, here he fucking was, replying to their viewers (which he loves dearly and all but fucking fuck this is shit timing and mood ruiner, and yET,,,)

He put his phone down after a few replies, finally turning back so they could start their TV and... lack of cake but definitely still coffee... thing.

"I know you said it was just a nice cake dinner with tv thing, but, is there really some specific reason you bought these that you didn't tell me, or...?" Phil asked when he saw Dan put down his own, now empty, plate of cake.

"I... just thought it would be like... um... an early birthday... thing. You know? Just, an early celebration? Or.. or something." Dan said, trying really hard not to stutter and failing.

"Oh." Phil looked surprised. "Oh!" He smiled, looking down as he blushed, smile only getting wider, "I... thank you, Dan. That's really nice of you."

"S'nothing." Dan said, trying to ignore how not 'nothing' it actually was.

Phil only smiled even more, resting his head on Dan's shoulder, turning back to the TV as he wrapped their blanket tighter around them.

Dan was actually about to explode.

If you hear a loud 'boom' anywhere in a five mile radius, that's him. Fucking exploding.

"I..." Dan started, trying to chill his heart and his breathing that were already starting to quicken, "I... I really care about you." He coughed nervously, "I... I guess that was it's obvious, what with... with everything that like... yeah."

"Yeah, it is a bit obvious... Phil Trash Number One." Phil joked.

Dan laughed, "You're ruining the moment!"

Dan ran his hand through Phil's hair, making it a bigger mess than it already was.

"Hey!" Phil whined, pushing Dan's hand away from him, " I hate you."

"You hate me?" Dan repeated sarcastically.

"I hate you." Phil said again.

"You love me."

"No."

"Sorry, was that a yes I heard there?" Dan was really pushing this. He doesn't care.

Phil put his hand over Dan's face, not letting Dan see the TV. Or... much of anything, to be honest.

"That's not gonna stop me, Phil." Dan said as he grabbed Phil's hand and lowered it away from him, but keeping their hands held even once they were down.

They stayed like that for a while, cuddled up, hands held, blanket over them, coffee never having the time to grow cold before the cups were empty, the lack of cakes forgotten.

Sometime in-between a Steven Universe episode they had decided to watch, Phil mumbled something Dan couldn't really understand.

"Sorry, what?" Dan asked.

"Nothing." Phil said, a little louder this time, "Just tired."

"Saying 'nothing' usually means it's something, Phil." Dan pointed out.

"It's weird." Phil said as he raised himself up so he was no longer rested on Dan, just sitting across him on the sofa, cross legged so that they were facing each other.

"Phil, do you remember how long I've lived with you?" Dan said, Phil responding with a slight nod, "Nothing surprises me anymore. I'm immune to all your weirdness, and I'm quite fond of it, if I'm honest with myself."

Phil just smiled a little at that, but it quickly faded to an expression Dan couldn't read.

Dan opened his mouth to say something. Encouragement. A joke. Something, he didn't know, but he never got to.

Why, you ask?

Because before he knew it, Phil was on him, their lips pressed together, and his mind completely erased anything he'd ever wanted to say. He couldn't complain about anything or say any joke is he wanted to, all his mind was thinking was "holy fucking shit, I'm kissing Philip motherfucking Micheal Lester."

Oh, _that's a thing._

That's... that's happening.

Right now.

Wait, _**what?**_

  
Only then did it go through Dan's head that he should probably be kissing back, but Phil was already off him, the most pained expression on his face.

Oh, _shit_ , Dan still had a look of surprise on his face. That was definitely not giving off a good vibe, was it?

He wanted to smile, or... or something! But-

"I'm sorry!" Phil said before Dan had the chance to process anything that just happened, jumping off the sofa and running to his room.

Dan sat there in silence for a while, who knows how long it was, his mind going haywire as he tried to process what the fuck just happened.

He raised his hand up, resting it gently on his lips. Oh. OH SHIT.

"Phil wAIT!" Dan jumped up off the sofa, running to Phil's room and trying to open the door, but Phil had locked it.

"Phil?" No response.

He tried again and again, but Phil wouldn't open the fucking door.

 

6:46PM  
Dan: PJ PHIL KISSED ME BUT NOW HES HIDING IN HIS ROOM BECAUSE I BLACKED OUT AND NEVER ACTUALLY TOLD HIM I FEEL THE SAME WHAT DO I DO

6:47PM  
PJ: oh my god, about time. I told him to kiss you AGES ago!

6:47PM  
Dan: YOU KNEW?

6:47PM  
PJ: both of you told me to not tell the other, I wasn't gonna break that

6:48PM  
Dan: goDAMNIT PJ

6:48PM  
PJ: sorry

6:51PM  
Dan: he's not opening his fucking door!

6:51PM  
PJ: well he'll have to come out eventually, just wait for him

6:52PM  
Dan: wow, thanks

 

As sarcastic as he was with that answer, waiting really was the only thing Dan knew to do.

("but dan!!!! just tell him you love him through the door!!!! or text him!!!" no! he didn't waste all this time being anxious about this just to have the shittiest love confession ever! he was gonna do it face to fucking face even if it takes waiting in front of phil's door all goddamn night.)

Turns out, waiting in front of Phil's door all night was exactly what he had to do.

He hadn't _planned_ to. After a while of knocking on Phil's door and yelling for him to come out of his room, he'd just given up and sat on the floor, using his phone for what must have been an hour or two before putting it down and knocking again, waiting and waiting, but to no avail.

At some point all his waiting had just turned into him falling asleep on the floor, only to realise he did so when he woke up the next morning with the worst cramps he'd had in a long while.

He hadn't even been asleep for very long either, since it was 8AM now and he knows for a fact he was awake until at the very least 5:30AM, so... not the best night for him, no.

  
22nd of January. In spite of how much preparation Dan had made, Phil was the one who kissed him. The punch thing isn't gonna happen, but he's got more important things to think about right now.

He stood up, trying to stretch out the cramps, but it didn't really help. Oh, what he does for Phil.

In spite of the fact he really fucking needed sleep, he stayed in front of Phil's door, knocking, waiting.

"Phil, please... you'll have to come out eventually."

No response.

Dan sighed, walking to the kitchen to get himself something to eat at least. Maybe he'd make them some pancakes. Nothing can go wrong with some pancakes.

This can't end badly. It can end _slowly_ , sure, but Phil will have to leave his room of shame and then realize he's a _fucking_ _idiot_ and Dan loves him to death.

He burned about seven of them in his shitty mood. Not that he really cared.

 

10AM already? Damn.

 

Phil's gotta be awake by now, right?

 

Right?

 

He paced around the kitchen.

 

He didn't know how to feel.

 

He was just thinking too much.

 

Too many thoughts, all at the same time, most of them just about Phil finally talking to him and coming out and just... _FUCK!_

 

He ran in front of Phil's room, desperation growing more and more. If he woke any neighbors with his door banging, he doesn't give half a shit. Not 1 (One) Single Flying Fuck.

He tried to calm himself down. Dan hadn't even noticed how heavily he was breathing until he noticed he could barely breathe at all.

Okay, sit down. Back on the floor. Chill.

He put his face in his hands, doing whatever calming breathing exercise whatever that he knew to clam himself down, sitting there for fuck knows how long.

He may not know how long he'd been on the floor, but it was long enough to make him really fucking hungry.

He raised himself right back up, continuing the cycle of walk-to-Phil-fail-and-leave that he'd been repeating for awhile.

Try, fail, try, rinse, wash, repeat.

 

Cold pancakes and emotional exhaustion, what a _great_ fucking morning.

In spite of all the effort it was taking, he refused to send a text confession, or yell it through a door. He doesn't give a shit.

Everything was either taking too long or he felt like it was longer than it actually was. He couldn't tell anymore. What even is time? Is there even any way to prove it's real and it's not just the human mind trying to comprehend the passage of things? Either way, it was taking too long. Too long. 

 

A soft "Dan?" broke him out of his thoughts. He flinched and turned to stare at the figure waiting in the doorway. Phil, who with his lazily placed glasses, hair sticking out in every direction, and pj's pulled randomly and hanging off his body, looked like a mess. 

 

And, fuck, if Dan wasn't in love with him.

 

He stood up, leaving his plate of what was left of his food forgotten as he walked up to the still-silent Phil.

"You're such a fucking idiot," Dan sighed more than said. He could barely place the emotion in his own voice. Fondness? Frustration? He literally couldn't tell anymore.

"I know." Phil said, looking down, voice shaking with pain and nervousness, "I shouldn't have kissed you. That was... that was really s-stupid and you d-didn't-"

" _Phil_." Dan cut him off, "That's... that's the exact opposite of... of what I-I-I um... I don't know what I'm saying." He put his hand over his face, "Just... this is all such a fucking cliché and I..."

He sighed, removing his hand from his face, only to see Phil staring right back at him, the most heartbreakingly vulnerable look on his face.

 

He had no idea how to get the words out.

 

Oh, _who the fuck needs words?_

  
He put his hand on Phil's arm, leaning closer, pausing a second to see if Phil was okay with all this, taking Phil's relived smile as a yes, and there it was.

He was kissing Philip motherfucking Micheal Lester, their arms wrapped tightly around each other and everything else but Phil and Dan's own beating heart was forgotten.

He raised one of his hands so that it was in Phil's hair, smiling as he deepened the kiss.

(and the rest from there is none of your fucking business, you creeps.)

 

~

 

23rd of January. Still a bit before Phil's birthday. 

 

He did it. 

 

 

8:46AM  
Dan: thanks pj

8:47AM  
PJ: knew you had it in you.

 

Dan smiled as he put his phone down on Phil's beside table. Or... their bedside table, as it had been for the past while. But now it was like... officially his.

 

Huh. Strange.

He didn't know how to feel about that.

 

Phil turned in his sleep, wrapping his arms tighter around Dan's bare waist.

 

Happy, yeah.

He felt happy.

 

"Maybe the viewers were right, we really are a fanfiction." Phil mumbled softly, now awake.

"What, cheesy, repressed nerds who get together in the end anyway?" Dan said, "Yeah, I guess we really are."

"If we're both the repressed nerds, then who's our wingman?" Phil asked.

"PJ." They said in unison, and laughed.

  
They were silent for a bit, just listening to each other's breaths and the mildly audible drilling from their annoying fucking neighbor. And an ambulance passing by, possibly someone getting murdered. (terribly sorry but,,, can you get murdered later? they're kinda having a moment here, geez.) (wow hilarious sarcasm im sure that's so original) (...um) (anyway,,,)

  
"Hey, Dan?" Phil said, snapping Dan out of whatever stupid thoughts he'd just gotten lost into.

"Yeah?"

"Wanna join me when I go to my parents for my birthday?" He asked, "I know you stayed home that... that other... b-but..."

"I'd love to, Philly." Dan smiled, kissing Phil on the forehead.

"Birthday with the fam," Phil said, laughing.

"Never say that again." Dan groaned, " _Ugh_ , why do I even deal with you?"

"Because you love me?" Phil joked.

"Yeah." Dan said, barely hesitating, "I guess I do."

 

If you're wondering about their lack of online activity that day... yeah. Entirely their fault. No shame. 

 

  
He was in love with Phil Lester.

 

Again.

 

And, hell, that's not too bad of a thing, is it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's the end! a great portrayal of my complete lack of writing skill. 
> 
> hope you've enjoyed the journey from the start to the end of this fic. I did, with only mild (?) suffering. good times. 
> 
> what a miracle, I don't have to stalk dnp to keep this fic realistic anymore. what a change of lifestyle. damn.
> 
> comment what you liked, comment what you didn't, insult my entire life and writing style, whatever, I can't tell you how to live your life. but comments are appreciated.  
> until next time, loves.


End file.
